Hang On
by AelysAlthea
Summary: Haru and Makoto fought. They never fought, yet they had been different. And Haru... Haru didn't know what to do about that. Everything just seemed to come apart at the seams and he couldn't patch it back together. Unravelling, tangling, sagging apart - and Rin seems to be the only one to realise just how badly.
1. Chapter 1 - So Stubborn

**Summary** : Haru and Makoto fought. They never fought, yet they had been different. And Haru... Haru didn't know what to do about that. Everything just seemed to come apart at the seams and he couldn't patch it back together. Unravelling, tangling, sagging apart - and Rin seems to be the only one to realise just how badly. The only one to take the lunging step towards him to ensure he doesn't tear apart completely.

How a trip to Australia has anything to do with that is anyone's guess.

~Written for the RinHaruRin Exchange 2016 ~

 **Rating** : M

Tags: Haru/Rin, Canon Era - Free! Eternal Summer (Ep 12), Suicidal Themes, Depression, Not really recovery-fic, Song References: Hang On by Plumb

* * *

 **Chapter 1: So Stubborn**

 _I'm so stubborn._

 _It's how I got here._

* * *

Haru ran.

He wasn't a runner. He wasn't didn't like running, wasn't good at it and certainly wasn't fast, but he ran as though hellhounds nipped at his heels and he practically flew. Anything to chase the echo of Makoto's words, and the overwhelming numbness that followed it.

Numb. It was always that numbness that arose, the weight that dragged on his shoulders, crushing him like a crashing wave. He'd been angry but moments before, an anger that felt only emphasised by the fierce, vibrant explosion of fireworks right after Makoto's words.

 _"I'm going to university in Tokyo."_

Anger. It had been anger up until that moment, anger and frustration because this was _Makoto_ and Makoto wasn't supposed to stick his nose into Haru's business. He wasn't supposed to ask the 'bad' questions, to ask about Haru's thoughts and demand an answer. He never did, never had, and that was how their friendship worked.

Why had he asked? _Why?_

 _"It's because we all love you… all care about you…"_

Haru ran faster. He ran so fast that his legs burned, his breath heaving in pants that tore in dry rakes at his throat but he wouldn't stop. He would avoid and run because Makoto – it _wasn't his business_ and Haru would be damned before he would bend before such prodding, such so called encouragement and demanding requests. Makoto should learn to butt out of it. He was never the one to ask Haru questions and now…

The anger had faded long ago. After the beach disappeared behind him, the echoes of the fireworks in celebration of the Obon Festival muffled, the anger left him too. The questions, the demands, the frustration hadn't evaporated, hadn't entirely disappeared, but it was shunted to the side. In its place was…

The numbness.

Haru was all too familiar with that numbness. He knew what it was even as he ignored the meaning of what it meant, the cause of that heavy weight that dragged him down and fizzled any meaning from his thoughts. He knew, understood, but it wasn't like he could do anything about it. Not really. Haru could only live with it, plough through it, ignore it and swim. To swim was the only way to escape it. Swimming was his release, an exchange of the numbness for the freeing feeling of immersion and the silence of water flooding his ears.

It replaced the muffling emotionless with something… other. No one understood that. No one quite knew how much Haru not only wanted but _needed_ to swim.

Was it a dream? No, Haru didn't think so. A future? He didn't know about that either and simply swimming didn't match the requisite for such a vast concept. But Haru didn't care.

He _didn't care_.

Or at least that was what the numbness told him. The smothering that dampened everything and dragged.

Even as he ran, Haru could feel that weight. He felt it drag at his steps like lead injected into his shoes, eventually stumbling him to a halt to bend nearly double and pant in rapid gasps. Hands on his knees, Haru squeezed his eyes shut, his heartbeat pounding in loud, rapid thumps in his ears.

 _A dream… a future…_

He didn't want to think about that because when he did the detached numbness would descend even more completely. Did he care? Haru wasn't sure, found it difficult to determine even though he told himself as much enough times. He wanted to _swim_ but more than that? He wanted to swim and escape that listless wave that overwhelmed him whenever feelings got too hard, when thoughts grew confusing. That was what they didn't understand, what none of them understood; Makoto, Nagisa, Rei…

Even Rin. Rin would probably understand the most, but even he would be other. It would always be 'not really' and 'not entirely'. The overwhelming wave of obliteration that wiped everything clean – Rin wouldn't understand that.

Swallowing convulsively, his throat twinging for its dryness, Haru finally lifted his gaze from the ground, struggling to straighten from his fold. He didn't know where his feet had taken him, hadn't paid any mind to the direction he ran but to ensure it was away from Makoto and his questions.

Makoto asking questions. That was something knew. Makoto _never_ asked.

Damn him.

Even so, Haru could almost have expected where he would find himself. His subconsciousness sought the release even as his conscious mind was overcome by struggling against the blanket that rapidly smothering his emotions. It was no surprise when he looked up that he found himself at his school. Or, more correctly, at the poolside.

It was closed, locked for the night. Of course it was; the hour was late and not even the evening cleaners would be about the grounds. Not that Haru cared. Still struggling to regain his breath, he started towards the perimeter and, ignoring protocol and legalities both, he slipped his shoes off and clambered the wire fence. It was an easy climb, the barrier practically redundant. Haru's feet touched the rough deck nearly silently on the other side.

There was barely a sound. The crackle of fireworks had long been outrun but even had they not been they likely would have finished for the night already. Little more than a whisper of noise trickled into Haru's ears as he stepped slowly towards the edge of the pool, the faint hiss of wind tugging the trees lining the road with shallow puffs of movement.

It was peaceful. Quite. Almost as still as the rumbling wave that washed through Haru and drowned the last of his anger before freezing into icy hardness. He couldn't… he almost couldn't remember what he'd been angry about.

The numbness was always like that.

Swimming was Haru's escape. It was what he lived for. The kiss of water against his skin, the barrier of sound, the weightlessness and the _freedom_. He could lose himself in that and only that, stubbornly held onto swimming as his only release. It was something Makoto didn't understand, something different to what Nagisa knew and Rei strove for. Haru didn't need a dream when he had that liberation. It was enough for him.

Rin… Rin knew. Or at least he knew a little bit. It was one of the reasons that Haru felt most comfortable with him at times, that they shared at least that love for the water, for swimming. His other friends simply didn't have that. But then, Haru had never matched Rin's competitiveness, had never stretched to _beat_ and _win_ as Rin had. Maybe he didn't understand that well after all.

Haru didn't need that. He didn't need that goal, stubbornly refused to cave to _that_ function of what he so savoured.

He didn't need…

He didn't…

Haru wasn't sure how long he stood on the edge of the pool simply staring and inhaling the scent of chlorine. He could lose himself in the simple sight of water, the transparency pooling beneath the slightest caress of a breeze, the sound of the nearly inaudible lapping against tiles. Haru wasn't even sure if he blinked, and as he stared he could feel his heartbeat slow, his breathing steady.

It was calm. Peaceful. Tranquil but unlike the unmovable, icy numbness within him.

At some point he sat down. Haru was hardly aware doing it. He only detachedly knew that his legs protested from his run across town. The water was soothing. Calming. He didn't want to think about anything else and couldn't really even had he wanted to.

And he wanted to swim. That thought registered to Haru at some point, really registered as something more immediate than the constant, unerring desire he always had to do so. The anger had disappeared without a trace, the frustration along with it. The urge to sleep was non-existent, that to climb to his feet and take himself from the poolside absented entirely, but the desire to swim stayed strong.

It grew compulsive as the sun rose. The only thing tangible, the only feeling that could pervade the rising waves that swept through him and left its trail of numbness in its wake. When the first scattering of light splayed across the surface of the pool Haru rose to his feet once more.

A voice in the back of his mind muttered that he didn't have a swimsuit on, not even beneath his clothes as he often wore it. That hardly mattered, however. It didn't matter in the whole scheme of things. He wanted to swim, to chase that escape and the freedom from the numbness and that… that anger or whatever it had been. The anger that he couldn't feel anymore, couldn't even remember what it felt like, but he didn't want to know. Haru thought he would be quite content to simply lose himself beneath the surface of the water forever.

With barely more than a step, nothing but a shrug to discard the waterless world, Haru let himself roll from the edge of the pool into submersion. The splash was nothing but a distant gurgle as he slipped beneath the surface. He let himself sink and simply let go.

Haru didn't want to think about the future. He didn't want to consider his lack of 'dreams' and chasing their non-existence. Haru didn't want to think about Makoto and his university, about his friends and their caring; the notion barely pervaded the numbness settled upon him, was something distinctly other. With all the stubbornness he'd always maintained, he turned aside from it.

Beneath the water where his lungs had no place, no function at all, it felt like Haru could finally breathe.

* * *

 _Have you heard from Haru at all?_

Rin squinted at his phone as he lifted it overhead, slumping back into his pillow. He was a light sleeper as it was and even the buzzing of a message would rouse him from slumber. Not that anyone should be messaging at… yes, it was only five o'clock in the morning. The sun hadn't even begun to rise properly yet.

Sighing, grumbling to himself and with barely the wakefulness to consider the meaning behind Makoto's words, Rin rolled over and tapped a reply. _No. Why would I have heard from him?_ Of all people, Haru wasn't likely to contact Rin, especially given that he lived half a town away from his house. Rin's frustration towards him from his last race had died as quickly as it had sparked, but they hadn't spoken since their fight.

Haru wasn't one to take the step back towards reconciliation. He was stubborn like that.

Rin hadn't even had the chance to close his eyes once more – really, he had at least another hour of sleep left in him, he could feel it – before Makoto buzzed a reply. _I can't get a hold of him and he's not at home either._

It was a short message, and emotion was difficult to discern through written words, but that Makoto replied with them at all was confusing. Frowning, Rin propped himself up on an elbow. It wasn't really his business to get involved, but Makoto seemed to be prodding at something and Rin couldn't help but wonder what. _What's wrong? Did something happen?_

Makoto's reply was instantaneous. _We kind of had a bit of a fight._

Rin blinked, surprised. Makoto didn't fight. Not with anyone and especially not Haru. _Why? What happened?_

 _I told him I was going to university next year. And I might have asked him about what he was doing._

There was weight behind those words and Rin didn't need to extensive perceptive skills to discern what it was. That Makoto was going to university for one was news but not altogether surprising. Rin wasn't as close to his old friends as he had been and didn't see them nearly as much as he might even like to. Not enough to know of their schedules or to ask regularly of their plans. Haru was an exceptional case because he was Haru. Their relationship was complicated and confusing but a single argument and weeks apart – hell, even years apart – didn't change that. It just made it a different kind of complicated.

Rin hadn't known about Makoto's plans but he knew Haru well enough to know that Makoto's question wouldn't have gone down well. He probably should have guessed as much even before his own outburst of much the same nature.

Rin heard the tentative explanation behind Makoto's words without having to guess to far. It wasn't even so much Makoto's suggestion that niggled at him, however; he was reminded only too bluntly of what he and Haru had argued about days before. Haru had been far from receptive to talking about 'that'. In fact, in Rin's opinion, though he'd been angry and almost raging, it had seemed like something else. Something confused and maybe even a little lost.

Haru really was stubborn, though. He would resist any kind of assistance or support simply for the hell of it. For some reason he seemed to find himself better off alone.

The idiot.

 _That was kind of stupid of you. Especially after what happened with me before,_ Rin couldn't help but reply to Makoto's words.

He could practically feel Makoto's wince when he buzzed back at him. _I know. And I wanted to talk to him about it but I don't know where he is._

Rin felt his frown deepen. Makoto must be really worried if he'd thought to ask Rin. For whatever reason, though Rin knew and acknowledged that Makoto was Haru's best friend, just as Sousuke was his own, he seemed to believe that Rin had more on Haru that he did. Or perhaps in a different way. He was clearly worried and the underlying request for help didn't pass unheard.

 _You want my help?_ Rin asked.

There was a pause before Makoto replied. _I'm sorry, I didn't mean to annoy you so early._

 _And yet you did_ , Rin thought, though he didn't tap the words into his phone. Why Makoto was still awake at five-thirty in the morning… had he been looking for Haru all night? Surely not. But if he had been, then he must be very worried.

Rin was swinging his legs out of his bed before he even realised what he was doing. Shucking his shirt off and fumbling in through the dark for something vaguely acceptable to wear in public, he tapped out a reply. _I'll find him. I'm pretty sure I'd know where to look_. Really, it was fairly obvious. Makoto wasn't exactly oblivious, but Rin had to question his perceptive skills that he hadn't thought to look at every available water source already.

Rin could almost hear Makoto's relieved sigh in his reply. _Thank you! I'm really sorry again. I swear I'll make it up to you._

Shaking his head, Rin slipped into the discarded pair of shoes waiting alongside the door. He spared a glance over his shoulder for Ai, the huddled bundle atop his bed a disproportionately large mound that hadn't budged since he'd woken, and stepped through the door. He started from the dormitory.

Haru wouldn't go to too many places. Not when he was upset – which he always resolutely refused to admit he was – or if he was bored. Upset and bored usually ended in the same place anyway: one pool or another, or the beach if it was warm enough or the pools unavailable. Rin headed for the school because that would have been his own first choice had he been in such a situation. When Rin was angry or frustrated he would always work it off with a swim or a run too. It was often the only way he could escape the violent flurry of emotions that threatened to overwhelm him.

Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't. Most of the time it did. Mostly.

Makoto likely hadn't considered the school because it was out of school hours and, being the upstanding pupil that he was, he would be unlikely to consider breaking into said school proper conduct. That disinclination had just as likely rubbed off onto his consideration of where Haru was; his hope that Haru would stick by the rules too made him believe as much.

Rin was under no such illusions. Less than an hour later, the sun just beginning to creep above the horizon and flood the sky with colour, he found himself crossing the last road towards the school, hands stuffed into his pockets and barely bothering to glance for potential traffic. It wasn't like anyone was about anyway. Most people weren't harassed by over-protective friends about their other friend's whereabouts at the crack of dawn.

Rin approached the school. And there was Haru.

It wasn't surprising. It wasn't surprising in the slightest, Rin considered, and nor was it unexpected to find Haru seated at the very edge of the pool and simply staring into the water as though it revealed the answer to life itself. Rin stepped up to the fence surrounding the pool, opened his mouth to speak, to call out, to grumble that Haru really should have replied to what was likely to be Makoto's thousand and one phone calls and messages, but he paused. His mouth slowly closed as a frown resettled itself on his forehead.

There was something wrong. That much was apparent. Something that Rin wasn't quite sure of but made Haru, legs crossed and bowed over himself as he stared fixedly forwards, look somehow wrong.

Rin and Haru had always shared a complicated relationship. Sousuke was Rin's best friend, just as Rin knew Makoto was Haru's, and yet they two had always been something else to one another. More than teammates, more than friends, more than rivals. Something… other. Rin didn't know what it was exactly, but he knew that he saw Haru in a way different to how Makoto or Nagisa perceived him. He understood, at least to a degree, the adoration for the simple act of swimming that he lost himself in. Rin understood how he needed it, if in a different way to how Rin did himself.

As such, it wasn't unexpected that Rin found himself watching Haru as he sat silent and utterly still at the poolside and saw something was wrong. It wasn't in his expression, which was by and large blank as it almost always was. It wasn't in any subtle tension of his shoulders, for there wasn't any apparent. There wasn't a hint of mournfulness or upset in his unwavering gaze, a stare that hardly seemed to blink.

And yet Rin felt it was wrong. Something was wrong, more so even than had been the last time he'd seen Haru.

The sun slowly slunk into the sky and in gradually stretching rays it beamed a golden glow onto the scene. The dancing of sunlight across the water surface was not bright enough to be blinding, yet as Rin watched, his frown still settled deeply and torn between calling out to draw Haru's attention and waiting him out, Haru seemed to start from his stupor. Not remarkably and barely noticeably, but as though blinking awake he eased into motion.

Rising to his feet, Haru stood for a bare moment with his constant stare at the glassy surface of the pool. Rin opened his mouth once more to speak, to break his silence as Haru had clearly shaken from his thoughts, but he didn't get the chance.

In what wasn't quite a dive but in more of a roll from his feet into the water Haru stepped from the deck and splashed beneath the surface of the pool.

Rin could have rolled his eyes, which he did after a moment. Shaking his head, he hooked his fingers in the fence and gave an exasperated tug of tight wiring. Really, he knew Haru was obsessed with swimming, probably more than Rin was himself, but to dive fully clothed into the water? That was somewhat ridiculous. Didn't he not have any sense?

Shaking his head once more, Rin shifted to lean a shoulder against the fence and wait. Haru was always better after a good dunking. The water actually seemed to clear his head some, which was something that Rin never quite understood. When Rin swum it was always to clamber dripping wet from the pool with blood pumping fast with adrenaline. Regardless of the importance swimming was for the both of them, that was just one thing that they differed in. One thing that Rin doubted he would never understand of Haru.

He stared at the pool as the surface spluttered and lapped, roiling for the sudden interruption to its steady serenity. He stared as the chuckling waves eased, sinking into shrinking undulations until there was little more than a ripple to tell of Haru's passage. He stared as even those ripples still and…

Pushing himself from the fence, Rin felt his frown deepen, stare sharpening. Haru hadn't resurfaced, and though Rin largely considered him at least part fish, he shouldn't stay submerged for so long. Even in clothes surely he wouldn't have difficulty pulling himself to the surface. Rin stared at the absence of his friend, could see nothing of him beneath the water for the angle that he stood. His fingers locked unconsciously into the fence once more, tightening the longer that he waited and stared and –

In a split second decision, barely a decision at all, Rin was scrambling over the fence. He slipped once, yet his feet were slowed none in an attempt to gain purchase. It hardly mattered. He almost could have cleared the fence in one leap for his sudden panic.

 _What?_

 _What was Haru doing?_

 _Why wasn't swimming? Where had he gone?_

And chasing on the tail of the abruptly frantic thoughts, _Had he hit his head? Had he passed out?_

Rin didn't pause to consider. He didn't slow as he flung himself over the top of the fence and collapsed to his knees on the other side for the speed of his descent. Only for a second, however, before he sprung to his feet once more. He didn't let himself think for a second of the impossible, the inconceivable notion of _drowning_. Not Haru. Surely not. Rin barely slowed to kick his shoes off, to fling his jacket from his shoulders and to catch a glimpse of a dark shadow at the bottom of the pool before he was leaping in a flying dive.

The slap of freezing water, scalding and sharply cold, was barely noticed.

Rin didn't think as he ploughed in grasping strokes through the water. He couldn't. The only thought that tore through his head wasn't really a thought at all. Panic. Sheer and nearly debilitating panic. And desperate need.

He wasn't thinking as he pulled himself to the bottom of the pool. Thought didn't have a place in the watery haze crushing upon him as Rin curled reaching fingers around a limp wrist and cling fiercely. He had only the passing instinct to kick from the bottom of the pool at all in a break for the surface, socks skating on slick tiles. The drag of a second person, as heavily clad as Rin was himself in sodden clothes, was a dead weight that made the struggle twice as hard.

Not that Rin noticed. He barely noticed anything but to be sure he kept his hand locked around Haru's wrist and _pulled_.

Breaking the surface, Rin's gasp was more for his roaring panic than for any breathlessness. Utter and persisting panic, unlike any he'd ever conceived before, unlike any he'd thought himself capable of feeling. He spared only a glance towards where he dragged Haru behind him, a glance that only flooded him with renewed terror because he was _face down, he wasn't moving_. In a mad scramble, Rin dragged the limp weight of him to the poolside and, in a heave that must have been partially supernaturally induced, flung him onto the pool deck.

Rin was clambering just as swiftly after him, nearly slipping on the sudden mess of water coating the ground as it rained in torrents from every pocket of clothing and strand of his own hair. Rin noticed only in a very small, detached corner of his mind. In a second he was at Haru's side, rolling him limply from his awkward sprawl onto his back. He went easily enough. Too easily even. Haru never did anything easily. He was too bloody stubborn. That thought was terrifying in itself.

His eyes were closed. The matted flop of hair across his forehead was stuck as though glued to his skin, half obscuring his face. Every inch of him was a bedraggled mess, thin jumper and trousers stained darkly for the sea of water weighing them down. He didn't move, as limp as a doll and a single arm flinging loosely when Rin rolled him. He wasn't moving at all, even to breathe.

It was familiar. So familiar, a scene from a time that felt so long ago, when Rin had barely known Makoto and Haru at all. This time… this time was even worse.

Rin catalogued it all, registering the familiarity entirely, through only increasing horror settling upon him. He registered the lack of breath as he froze for a split second longer, before in a reflex that he would always thank his swim-safety instructors for, Rin lurched forward and pressed an ear nearly into Haru's lips.

Nothing. There was nothing. The absence of sound, of the faint puff of breath, was terrifying all over again.

Following that same instinct, even as his mind seemed to short for the _confusion,_ and _horror_ , and _what the hell do I do?!_ Rin shifted immediately towards his chest, a hand reaching blindly and unconsciously for a wrist to press fingers in search of a pulse. There was a long second, a heart-stopping second in which Rin found he couldn't breathe himself. The he heard – he felt – the faint twitch of a thump, a stutter and a hitch.

The relief was so overwhelming Rin heard himself gasp. Only for an instant, however, because the logical part of his mind that was still screaming in fear reminded him that Haru still wasn't breathing. In an instant he was reaching for Haru's head, tipping his chin back and pinching his nose in the firmly ingrained motions for resuscitation. Rin didn't have time to pause, no time for embarrassment that would have been entirely foolish, not a second to even think about the proper response that would have been to call for help. One rescue breath was followed seconds later by a second, then a third, little more than gasping pants on Rin's part.

On the fourth, Haru spluttered.

Rin jerked himself out of the way for the sudden unexpectedness, but a split-second later was reaching for Haru once more and with a heaving roll shifted him back onto his side. The sound of retching, of gurgling chokes and the subsequent splatter of ingested water followed as, in a shudder, Haru attempted to cough up his lungs. Rin could only hold him on his side, a hand on his shoulder to ensure that he didn't choke on whatever he was heaving up, and pant with awkward strokes of his shaking hand. Spasms still rippled through him, fear only diverted slightly by the flood of relief that swept through him alongside it.

He'd stopped breathing. Haru had gone under, had been under for a long time, and he'd stopped breathing.

Rin had never been so scared in his entire life. This was far different even from the last time that he'd seen him collapsed on the side of the river when he was a kid and for all appearances seemed a corpse. This time was so much worse because… because he was his friend and… and…

 _Fuck, I'm actually terrified_ , Rin thought a little detachedly, finally admitting the emotion running rampant through him. His fingers curled into Haru's shoulder as it shook with his gasps and a final surge of coughs. It was a novel feeling for him, more profound than he'd every felt, and yet within seconds a familiar upwelling of anger suffused him. All it needed was a match to spark it alight, and when Haru blinked hazily, rocking his head sideways to glance up at where Rin leaned over him, it did just that.

"What the hell was that?" Rin all but spat. He could feel his lip curl in a snarl, fear evolving into rage for Haru's utter stupidity. Haru didn't reply, simply stared up at him with glassy eyes that barely seemed capable of focusing. "Were you trying to kill yourself of something?"

Haru didn't reply; Rin wasn't sure if he could have spoken even had he tried. And yet he didn't need to. Rin didn't need him to, because a moment later his gaze sharpened just slightly and Rin saw. He saw what he hadn't seen in a long time, what, upon realising what it meant, he'd hoped to never see again.

Suddenly Rin's own words about death and dying didn't seem so offhanded and spontaneously accusing anymore. Horrifyingly, it felt like a very real possibility.

It struck him hard, and as Haru slid his eyes from Rin's, his head turning to fall back onto the ground, Rin drew back onto his haunches. He stared for a long moment, could feel his fingers curling more tightly into Haru's shoulder in what might have even been painful, but he couldn't bring himself to unclench them. He couldn't let go, not after seeing _that_.

How hadn't he noticed it before now? Had he just not been looking enough?

There was a long pause, a long moment of silence in which Rin couldn't bring himself to speak. He could only stare as Haru seemed to slump more heavily upon the ground, closing his eyes briefly almost as if he was struggling against sleep. It was only when he cracked an eye open once more, shooting a sidelong glance towards Rin, that Rin found his voice once more.

"Haru," he said, and his voice had somehow become little more than a croak. He swallowed in a fruitless attempt to clear its sudden dryness. "How long has it been that you stopped taking your medication?"

* * *

A/N: Okay, so I'm not trying to be a preacher here, but I feel this must be said. For the function in this story, no, Haru did not/does not go to hospital. Just as in the anime with, he wakes up, appears fine, so they don't pursue the subject further.

However. IF THIS EVER HAPPENS, it doesn't matter if the potential victim of drowning appears awake and alright when they regain consciousness, ALWAYS go to a hospital. It's impossible for people who don't know what they're doing to realise if there really is something wrong. It's always better to be safe than sorry, even if they seem fine.

Sorry for the reality flooding here, but it felt wrong to so use this feature without highlighting the proper actions that should be taken. Anyway, hope you enjoyed the first chapter. Thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter 2 - So Alone

Chapter 2: So Alone

 _So alone,_

 _Feels like forever._

The blanket was unnecessary. So too was the tea, and the shower he'd been forced into taking. Haru couldn't bring himself to complain, however. He found he couldn't bother. It simply took too much effort to fight against Rin's demands – always demands, because Rin didn't ask when he wanted something. He _told_.

Not that Rin seemed angry, or even aggressively annoyed. He hadn't since his initial outburst when Haru had first struggled into consciousness, his head throbbing and throat burning and limbs feeling even more leaden than usual. Rin's anger had quickly faded, and even through the depths of his grogginess, through the listless confusion that occasionally overcame him and was attacking with full-frontal force, Haru had seen the moment of Rin's realisation. He saw when his scowl slackened into blankness, then something close to despair, felt the tightening of Rin's fingers on his shoulder, before he spoke.

 _How long has it been…?_

Rin knew. Rin was one of the few people who knew at all. Makoto suspected, Haru was sure, had been aware when Haru still took his pills as he should be. Haru had seen the glances he'd been spared in the instances when he'd slipped out of the room sometimes at mealtimes. He'd seen when Makoto had caught him at one point, though he didn't really care about being seen.

Makoto never asked, though. He simply accepted that Haru did what he did and took what he took for a reason. He never pushed or demanded for what wasn't freely offered. Or at least he hadn't until the previous night.

Rin was different, though. He would never simply wait, silent and expectant and perhaps a little hopeful. He would ask with bluntness and narry a hint of tact. He'd always been one to elbow his way into other people's business, to drop himself in the midst of a conversation and request an update on everything that had been spoken thus far. He asked the questions that no one else did because he seemed to lack the instinct that most people had that muted them in the face of asking personally or intrusively.

Or maybe he simply didn't care, his curiosity winning out over etiquette. That was probably it.

Rin had been the only person to ask Haru what it was that he took. They'd barely been friends at that point, and Haru only recently medicated under what the doctors called 'extreme circumstances', but Rin had noticed. He'd noticed and he'd asked, and he kept on asking with nothing but curiosity and faint disgruntlement when Haru ignored him or spared him only an irate glance in reply. He'd continued to prod until, in resignation – because what did Haru really care for who knew? – he finally told him.

Rin had been surprised. Surprised and a little confused, because at that age he hadn't quite the head for understanding the delicacy of such a situation, of what it meant. Then he'd brushed it aside as simply a fact about Haru amongst others and all but ignored it entirely. As far as Haru knew, Rin had never told anyone. He'd never said anything about it further, at least until Haru took himself off them without his parents' consent.

 _"Is something wrong? You're acting different to usual."_

Makoto had noticed. Of course he'd noticed, because he was the sort of observant person who realised such things. But he'd never said anything. It was Rin who spoke up, blessedly in relative privacy. Like he always did, Rin disregarded proper etiquette and elbowed his way into Haru's business once more. Haru didn't want him there, never wanted anyone there, but even so…

Rin had noticed. He hadn't pushed or demanded as he had before, but he'd still suggested that something was different and there was a definite question in his words. He'd noticed that something was 'wrong'. At the end of the day, Haru knew that Rin's words, what he saw, had been one of numerous factors that had resulted in Haru begrudgingly taking himself back on his pills. A surprisingly big factor, too. He didn't like doing what others told him to, had never been inclined to do so, but for some reason Rin urged him to step up his game. It had always been like that: with his enforced friendship, with his encouragement to swim in the relay, with the rivalry they'd shared both before and since. When Rin pushed, Haru couldn't help himself. There was something just so persistent – so _annoying_ – that urged him to act.

They'd always been like that. For some reason, Rin was just… different to other people. Or at least he was to Haru. Haru hadn't realised quite how much he valued his simple, nagging and unshakeable presence until it was gone, vanished to Australia. It was as though he'd left a Rin-shaped hole in the air alongside Haru that he couldn't un-see.

When he came back, even changed as he was, Haru couldn't help but acknowledge it all over again. He was different yet in so many ways very much the same. Of course Rin would be the one to realise. When he thought about it, Haru was almost surprised it had taken him as long to ask as it did. Rin was almost as observant as Makoto in that regard; it wouldn't have surprised Haru had he realised he'd stopped his medication the instant he had. But no, instead they'd seen less of one another since Rin's return, and more recently… they'd fought, become angry at one another, and Haru had hardly seen him for days after their poolside confrontation.

Not until that morning when Rin had pulled him from the pool.

At least Haru assumed he'd been pulled from the pool. He couldn't remember being manhandled but if the fact that they were both dripping wet and Rin was gasping alongside him as he regained his breath was any indication, he thought his assumption was accurate. He acknowledged as much in a detached kind of way, barely lucid as it was for the throbbing in his head, the lethargy that dragged on his arms.

The numbness had faded slightly at least. Just slightly, but it was noticeable to Haru. In its wake he just felt exhausted.

Rin hadn't waited for a response to his words, which was a good thing considering Haru had barely the headspace or the inclination to reply to him. They'd simply sat in stillness and silence for a long time as Haru struggled to gain greater purchase on his consciousness. Or Rin had sat; Haru hadn't been able to push himself to sitting for quite a time.

After long minutes, a long, long time in which the sun crawled steadily into the sky with unnecessary merriment, Haru had finally managed to force himself into motion. He hadn't wanted to, would have been quite content to simply lie prone for a good while longer, but Rin hadn't moved. He hadn't released his grasp on Haru's shoulder, hadn't loosened it even slightly, and for once it was Haru that was urging them into action. He didn't think he'd ever seen Rin so still and silent for that long before. It was eerie.

Rin wordlessly climbed to his feet alongside him. It seemed to take an unnecessary amount of effort for him to unlatch his fingers from Haru's shoulder, from the other hand he wrapped around Haru's wrist. Haru watched him for a long moment when he'd managed to struggle to his own slightly wavering feet but Rin hadn't returned his stare. His face was a confusing mixture of expressions, a wavering frown that didn't seem angry, a tightening of his lips and a slight narrowing of eyes that didn't appear as objectionable as it normally did. Haru wasn't good at reading other people, was fairly appalling at detecting emotions in his friends, but he thought he gleaned a hint of worry. Worry and something else, he thought.

Haru wasn't sure he understood what that something was at all.

Now, after a staggering trip home, they were seated side-by-side on Haru's veranda. Just sitting, facing and staring listlessly towards the silent, unremarkable façade of the sidelong house. Or at least Haru stared, the cup of tea still cupped in his hands and largely untouched. It was better that than look at Rin, who still wore a shadow of that same expression yet stared intently down at his own cup where it rested just before his crossed legs. He looked to be thinking uncharacteristically deeply about something or other. That in itself was almost as unexpected as his unbroken silence. Rin wasn't one to brood silently.

Haru didn't comment on either the thoughtfulness or the silence. He barely had the presence of mind to consider it at all. For some reason, a cottony thickness seemed to have taken up residence in his head and though lessened, the familiar and hated numbness hadn't fully abated with his dip in the water. His long, long submersion that…

Haru didn't even know how long he'd been under for.

Finally, as he'd known would happen yet almost grew to suspect wouldn't happen at all, Rin broken the silence. He gave an audible swallow before speaking. "When do your parents get back?"

It wasn't the question that Haru had been expecting. He drew his gaze sidelong towards where Rin still hadn't looked his way. "Not until the summer."

It might have been his imagination, but Haru thought Rin's jaw tightened slightly at that. "Can you get them to come back earlier?"

Fighting the urge to roll his eyes, Haru turned his attention back to his neighbour's house. "Of course not. They come back when they come back."

"Even if you need them?"

"I don't need them," Haru said shortly. What kind of a question was that? It wasn't like Haru needed his parents around. It wasn't like he needed anyone; Makoto could take his own dreams and plans for the future away with himself and Rin could similarly learn to keep his opinions to himself. Haru wondered why, though the feeling was pronounced enough, he didn't feel quite the anger he had the previous night.

"I think you do."

At Rin's slightly harsh words, Haru drew his sidelong attention towards him once more. This time, Rin had lifted his chin and turned towards him. His expression was altered, tight in a different way yet just as indiscernible in Haru's opinion. He really never had been particularly good at reading other people.

Shrugging the unnecessary blanket off his shoulders – it was far from cold enough to warrant it, even at only mid-morning – Haru lowered his cup to the veranda with deliberate slowness. "I don't."

"I think you do."

"Well, I don't."

"Haru –" Rin cut himself off as Haru flickered his gaze forwards once more, as though he'd effectively had a door slammed in his face. That in itself was uncharacteristic; Rin wasn't one to silence himself for anyone, even himself. Ever. When he continued, it was less demanding than his tone had been. "I think you probably need their help."

Haru did roll his eyes this time. "No I don't."

"If you're having trouble with your medication then –"

"I'm not having trouble."

Rin paused. When he continued it was in a sharp grumble. "Yeah, because you're not taking it."

Haru snapped his attention back towards him. He couldn't suppress a slight frown that Rin met with a scowl. For some reason, however, it didn't seem as fierce, not as genuine, as it usually was. "I don't want to take it anymore."

"Have you talked to someone about stopping?"

"It's not anyone else's business."

"It is if you try to kill yourself because you're not taking it," Rin blurted out.

Haru couldn't suppress a flinch, one that Rin mimicked as soon as he'd uttered his words. He winced slightly, a gesture entirely foreign for him given Rin was nothing if not confident in his own opinion and assertively forward when not. He cringed further as Haru stared at him flatly but didn't retract his words.

"I didn't try to kill myself," Haru said, enunciating deliberately. "And I'm allowed to choose to stop my medication. Whenever I'd like to."

That wasn't technically true. Or at least, it wouldn't be if anyone discovered that he'd apparently done something 'dangerous' that could be related to his temporary cessation. Haru wasn't going to tell anyone, however, and he was going to make sure that Rin didn't either. He'd stopped because he had to. Because he needed a break. Because sometimes, though it managed to stave off the numbness and the melancholy, the difficulty with enthusiasm and ability to become excited, sometimes Haru just… he needed a break.

He struggled with the fatigue and drowsiness it sometimes induced, a drowsiness that no matter how long he'd been taking his pills never seemed to abate. Haru struggled with the difficulty concentrating that sometimes gripped him, a fact made even more pronounced by the reality that he knew he wasn't a particularly attentive person in the first place. That detachedness was an entirely different kind to the numbness that was all in his own head, the numbness that arose when he stopped taking his pills.

Haru wasn't an idiot, or not in this regard at least. He knew what it was, had long ago accepted the reality of what he had. That didn't mean he would bow before it, however. Even if it did lead him to do something 'dangerous' at times.

But he hadn't been trying to kill himself. He _hadn't_ , regardless of what Rin thought. Haru had simply taken himself into the comforting embrace of the water, and the leaden weight of his limbs dragged him down unresisting. He'd been soothed by the breathless pressure around him. It eased the aches that weren't in any way physical, and in that moment Haru simply hadn't wanted to come back up. It was peaceful, easy, to sit at the bottom of the pool, to close his eyes and hold his breath and resist the distant urge to push himself to the surface when his chest begun to burn.

Haru hadn't tried to kill himself. The suffocating part… it would have just been a rather unfortunate coincidence had it happened. He couldn't really find it within himself to care terribly much.

Haru was brought from his musings by a hand clasping onto his wrist. Blinking, he glanced down as Rin tightened his fingers in their grasp, squeezing just slightly as though he clung to a lifeline. Haru followed the length of his arm up to his face once more, to the confusing, unreadable expression Rin wore, the tightening of his jaw and the widening of his eyes in a way that was almost imploring. He didn't know why Rin had reached out to him; none of his friends with the exception of Nagisa were particularly tactile people. And yet the tightness of his fingers was almost compulsive, as though he had no intention of letting go.

"What?" Haru finally asked, as Rin simply stared at him and squeezed his wrist in a crushing hold.

For a moment, Haru thought Rin might snap a sharp, angry retort. Yet when he replied it was lowly, as imploring as his expression flickered towards Haru when not tightened with something else. "That certainly looked like what you were doing."

"Well, it wasn't."

"Oh, so you regularly spend minutes at a time sitting at the bottom of a pool?"

"And if I do?"

Rin snorted. "Don't give me that bullshit, Haru. I was the one that had to give you mouth to mouth."

Haru stared at him for a moment, blinking slowly before he spoke. "You what?"

But Rin ignored his words. "See, this is the problem, isn't it? You say you weren't, but that's what it was. Maybe you didn't mean to but you nearly drowned, Haru."

"Rin," Haru began, but Rin overrode him as though he didn't hear his words.

"You think it's your choice?" He narrowed his eyes slightly as he met Haru's gaze. "You think it's your choice to stop your meds when this shit happens if you do?" Rin shook his head. "What about the people that care about you? You stopped because you wanted to, you say, but what about Makoto? What about Nagisa and Rei –"

"Shut up," Haru said sharply, snapping his gaze away from Rin. For a moment his anger resurfaced, triggered by the echo of Makoto's words the previous night. _It's because we all love you. Because we care about you._ What was wrong with everyone at the moment? Where were these professions of care arising from? It had never bothered Haru before but suddenly it did. He'd never asked for that, had been quite comfortable being alone. It was certainly more convenient if people like Makoto butted into his business when they 'cared'. Was it so hard to leave him alone?

Apparently so. "No," Rin said. "I won't. Because you're acting like an idiot and you're going to hurt yourself. If I don't then you won't stop fucking up."

"That's none of your business," Haru said, though surprisingly with an abrupt lessening of his anger. It had always been that way; when Rin nagged him, his annoyance somehow dimmed. That time days before, when Haru's anger had lashed out in a shout unlike any he'd experienced in… in a _long_ time – that had been unprecedented and unexpected. Unexpected even from his own perspective. For some reason, whenever Rin nagged Haru just couldn't feel the urge to get angry quite so easily.

"It is my business," Rin continued, tone as sharp and demanding as ever. It sounded a different kind of demanding, however, unlike his usual presumptuousness. Haru couldn't help but glance down at Rin's hand as it squeezed his wrist just a little more tightly. "It is my business because I care too."

Slowly, Haru lifted his gaze to meet Rin's stare. His sharp, fierce stare, yet strangely just as 'different' as his demanding tone had been. There was something there, something Haru hadn't detected before and he couldn't recognise. It didn't quite soften his dark-eyed stare but it wasn't quite as hard as it perhaps should have been.

Haru was the mute, and not only because Rin affixed him with such a stare. It was as much his words themselves that silenced him. Rin admitting he cared? Where had that come from? Makoto admitting as much was one thing because that was Makoto and he was without doubt the sincerest puppy-dog in the world, but Rin? Haru had never expected him to say such things. And he did it all without a flicker of embarrassment either. It was thoroughly confusing.

Swallowing once more, Rin seemed to make a deliberate effort to release Haru's wrist. The impression of his fingers remained briefly red on Haru's skin before fading. Turning away slightly, Rin drew a deep breath before abruptly rising to his feet. Haru followed his motion with a sidelong stare as he spoke. "So that's it. That's all of it."

"What do you mean?" Haru said warily.

Rin glanced down at him, pressing his lips together for a moment before replying. "I care. I actually care. And I care that you're doing stupid things because you're not getting help from your medication or whatever."

Haru frowned once more. "It's none of your business," he said again.

"Shut up," Rin replied immediately. His order wasn't quite as sharp as it perhaps should have been as he turned in place and started back inside. Haru followed his step as he left the veranda. "It is my business, actually. I'm making it my business. And since your mum and dad aren't around, you're going to put up with it."

"What?" Haru asked, but Rin ignored him and disappeared through the living room into the hallway. "Rin? What are you talking about?"

Rin didn't reply. The sound of his footsteps disappearing was the only indication he'd been there at all.

Rin determinedly refused to glance over his shoulder as he left the veranda, passing through the living room and into the hallway. He didn't pause as he took himself down that hallway and into Haru's bedroom, pointedly closing the door behind himself as he did so.

Rin didn't think himself a weak person, but as soon as the door clicked shut he sagged against it.

Fucking Haru. Damn him but he was a fucking idiot.

Rin was still shaken by what had happened. Perhaps even more so now that the adrenaline rush and sheer panic had faded into exhausted relief. Rin didn't think himself one to get shaken easily either but this…

Drowning had always been an issue for him. Always since his father had died.

Haru didn't understand it. It was utterly ridiculous to think that he didn't but he truly didn't seem to understand. He hadn't been trying to kill himself? Like hell. What else could it possibly be? He'd jumped into the pool himself and it wasn't like he'd hit his head and knocked himself out in the process. The thought terrified Rin, and more because he couldn't fathom how anyone could was the urge, the inclination, to do so.

It was only because he knew Haru, understood at least a little the situation that he was in, that he didn't hate him for what he'd done. That he didn't hate him for possibly thinking to do such a thing.

Rin had known for years that Haru had a problem. It wasn't so much a problem anymore because his parents had ensured it wasn't, except for when Haru stepped away from the support that had been erected for him. Rin had seen that before too, years ago when the boy he'd only so recently become friends with, a boy who was largely withdrawn, detached and stoically introverted, became… different. He'd changed, and Rin couldn't help but notice.

He'd asked. Of course he'd asked, because Haru would never be the sort of person to offer an explanation without request. Even so, it was surprising when Haru had told him. Just as surprising, if not more, than when Rin asked what those pills were that he took in the first place.

Haru had stopped. He'd stopped taking them all those years ago and it had changed him, made him different. Detached became listless, sombre even. It had lasted until an abrupt shift, and even at the age of twelve Rin had put two and two together and deduced that, where he had stopped and changed, restarting his medication again had shifted him back on track to what Rin had taken to be Haru's 'normal'.

Then Rin had left.

Haru had been Rin's definition of normal when he'd returned, if a sightly older version of it. At least he had been until recently, Rin realised in retrospect. How hadn't he noticed? Or more specifically, how hadn't he realised the underlying reason for Haru's behaviour? He was being objectionable, which wasn't anything particularly unusual, except that he was also even more introverted, more distant and morosely detached. Rin put it down to his swimming, and he was sure in many ways it was. Swimming had always been as much of a problem for Haru as it was a solution. Rin knew this because he found himself in exactly the same position.

Only… Rin didn't think swimming was the only problem. Not now at least. Not anymore. He suddenly regretted that he'd gotten angry after the race a few days ago, that he'd demanded that Haru pull his act together. He might not understand what it was like on a personal level to fight against what he'd read as being a 'constant and unending battle' but he should have guessed. Perhaps he should have known.

Rin wasn't deluded enough to think he should have realised right away. He didn't spend nearly as much time with his old friends as he did his schoolmates, with Sousuke and Ai and Momo, with all the rest of the swim team. He hardly saw Nagisa and Makoto anymore, Rei only for their spontaneous practices and Haru because… because they always just seemed to bump into one another.

But he should have noticed eventually. Rin should have noticed and done something.

The responsibility shouldn't be left with him, he knew. Rin should call Haru's parents, tell them about what had, in Haru's opinion, not-nearly-happened. He should perhaps even tell Makoto, because Makoto wasn't the sort of person who would demand an answer and, being one of the few who could offer support, he should know.

But Haru wouldn't like that. He'd hate it even. He was as insistently stubborn about his independence as he was with everything else, and though Rin knew he had to and most certainly would tell someone at least in the vaguest of terms, it might not be straight away. In Rin's mind that left only one solution.

He'd have to bring Haru to Australia with him.

The thought had been buzzing on the edge of Rin's consciousness, niggling at him until he acknowledged it. When he did, it was as though there was no other choice. Rin didn't even think about an alternative, didn't consider the prospect of Haru's refusal to be an issue. Haru could be stubborn, annoyingly so sometimes – or most of the time – but so could Rin. And in this instance, Rin wasn't going to let him out of his sight to leave a window for another such opportunity to occur.

Setting about Haru's room and disregarding the presumptuousness and invasion of privacy, Rin tugged a modest travel pack from his cupboard and set to stuffing it with essentials. He barely paid a mind to what he was doing but to note he was including everything necessary, distracted by his thoughts.

He'd take Haru with him. He would and Haru wouldn't have a thing to say about it. Rin would make sure of it, that even if he did object he was coming along, because the thought of leaving on schedule after what had just happened, just leaving without making the proper precautions…

It scared him. It scared him as he'd been so repeatedly scared already that morning.

Rin paused with his hand caught on a jacket and struggled to swallow the dryness he'd been fighting in his mouth for what must have been hours now. His fingers curled in the material and had it been any lesser quality it might have ripped.

Rin had been scared, _so_ scared, and even more than he would readily admit to himself. It had taken the incessant battering of that fear in his mind for him to realise just what had been so terrifying, and surprisingly it hadn't been that it reminded him off his father. Or at least not primarily. It was the thought that if Rin hadn't been there, if Haru had – if he'd _drowned_ …

The very thought churned Rin's stomach, and in a far fiercer way than he'd anticipated. Rin cared for his friends, even if he wouldn't so readily admit it aloud as he'd just blurted out to Haru moments before. He knew he would be horrified and wracked with grief if something happened to any one of them, both old and new friends. But when he thought about Haru, about Haru drowning…

Rin squeezed his eyes closed, fingers clenching even more tightly into the jacket clasped in his hand. Even the thought was sickening, the mental image of Haru lying limp and bedraggled before him the stuff of nightmares. Rin knew he cared but not that much. Not _that_ much, because the thought of Haru drowning, of not swimming with him, of not sharing a word or a joke that was so minutely responded to as to be almost unperceivable – it physically hurt to contemplate.

Rin didn't think himself a weak person, but he was very definitely unhinged at such a thought.

As he had countless times in the past hour, Rin forcibly thrust the thought aside. It hadn't happened. He had to tell himself that it hadn't happened, remind himself of the fact that Haru was sitting outside on the veranda wrapped in a blanket that Rin had insisted he muffle himself in as much to pin him down and disable movement as for warmth and recovery. With a deep breath, he continued with his packing.

After the clothes, Rin made only a brief stop to the bathroom to scavenge the rest of the essentials. As he stuffed a toothbrush with little regard atop the rest of Haru's clothes, he paused before the faucet, frowning at the cupboard. It wasn't really his place to push it, truly wasn't anyone's place to make such a decision but Haru's except that…

Rin cared. He cared and he'd be damned if another situation like today repeated itself. Crouching before the cupboard, he flipped through the bottles and half-empty boxes stacked with variable degrees of tidiness until he spun a stout bottle with a recognisible name on the front. Rin didn't consider himself an expert on the leading SSRI brands currently on the market, but he was familiar with them. He'd made himself familiar after he'd learned five years ago that one of his best friends had need of them.

Haru was in exactly the same spot he'd been when Rin left him minutes before, still wrapped with the blanket twisted around his waist and his tea apparently forgotten on the veranda before him. He had the ability of embodying immobility down to an art. Rin had never really understood how he could remain so still and silent for so long as it was a skill that had always eluded him, but somehow Haru managed.

He was staring at the neighbour's house with an expression that suggested he didn't really see it, but Rin was relieved to notice his gaze flickered sideways towards him as he stepped up to Haru's side. There wasn't that blank listlessness that had surfaced when he'd awoken moments after Rin had dragged him from the water, the listlessness that would likely haunt him for years to come. Rin was glad for that at least.

"Here," he said, and by way of explanation dropped the travel pack onto the ground at Haru's side.

Haru didn't move but to shift his gaze down towards it. He blinked for a moment before glancing back up at Rin. "What?"

 _Such a predictable reply,_ Rin thought with a mental shake of his head. _How he manages to put so much meaning into a monotonous monosyllable I'll never understand._ Dropping into a crouch, Rin prodded the pack with a finger. "We're going on a holiday."

Another moment, another pause for nothing but a flat stare, before Haru repeated his unimpressed, "What?"

"I'm going to Australia for a couple of days in our week off," Rin said. He propped his elbows onto his knees, adopting a nonchalant pose that was more than a little forced. "And you're going to come with me."

"No I'm not," Haru said with more promptness than he had to any of Rin's statements earlier that morning.

"Yes you are."

"I'm not going to Australia."

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not, Rin."

"Actually you are, because I'm not leaving you here by yourself and I'm going." Rin raised an expectant eyebrow as Haru regarded him flatly in return. "You're not staying here alone right after you tried to drown yourself."

Even speaking the words as casually and blasé as he could Rin felt his throat constrict convulsively. _Don't think about that, don't think about it_ , he chanted to himself as Haru regarded him with the faintest narrowing of his eyes. "I told you, I didn't try to drown myself."

It stung even to hear the denial. "Really? Because that wasn't what it looked like to me." Fuck but it was so hard to appear offhanded. It was a physical struggle on Rin's part.

Haru shucked his blanket further down his waist in apparent annoyance. "I didn't. I wasn't. I don't want to drown myself. I'm not – I'm not –"

"Not suicidal?" Rin supplied. He fought a wince for how blunt he sounded even to himself but Haru didn't flinch. If anything he seemed only more annoyed rather than shocked or horrified by the suggestion. "Really? Because I don't know about you but I have no idea what people that refuse to come up for air when they're very competent swimmers would be doing otherwise."

"I'm not suicidal," Haru snapped again. There was real irritation in his voice this time, even bordering on angry. Rin nodded to himself. Good. At least anger was better than listlessness. Rin hated Haru's listlessness. "That wasn't what it was."

"What was it, then?" Rin said. He didn't realise until he'd said the words that his own tone was just as sharp as Haru's was. He hadn't even realised his anger had flared up; that in itself wasn't particularly unusual for him, but even so. "Please, enlighten me."

"I just –" Haru bit himself off and switched his attention back towards the neighbours house. Rin doubted he registered it anymore than he had before. A long moment of silence passed before he continued in a mutter of mumbled indignation. "I just didn't want to come up. It's… it's nicer under the water. Quieter and – and better. I just didn't want to come back up."

Rin fought back the shudder that threatened to quake his spine. _I just didn't want to come back up._ Rin could understand that. He could understand wanting to spend every possible moment he could in the water. But he certainly didn't push himself to suffocation, refusing to resurface because it felt 'better'. The scariest part was that Haru truly sounded as though he thought his explanation an acceptable excuse for his actions.

Forcing himself to plough through the sudden unease that bordered on fear once more, Rin nodded sharply. "Yeah, well, you see my problem, then."

"I'm sure I don't," Haru said without even doing him the courtesy of glancing in his direction.

"I can't leave you alone and certainly not in any vicinity of a water source."

"I'm not a two-year-old, Rin," Haru muttered, and though annoyance still touched his tone his anger had faded. Rin wondered how he managed to do that; even with the resurgence of his fear, his own anger still bubbled just below the surface, prepared to spring to attention at the slightest prodding.

"No, you're not," Rin said. "You're much worse because you're a seventeen year old who doesn't realise the dangers that a two-year-old is usually threatened by and learning to avoid. That's much, much worse."

Haru actually scowled at him for that. It was barely more than a pursing of his lips, a narrowing of his eyes, but it was about as much of a scowl as he ever gave. Rin felt almost satisfied for inducing it. He continued when no reply was evidenced in coming. "So this is the only solution. You're coming with me."

"No I'm not," Haru said, resorting back to his previous stubborn and unyielding resistance.

"Yes you are," Rin said, rising from his crouch and drawing his phone from his pocket. He thanked whatever forethought had urged him to throw his jacket off before diving into the pool earlier that morning as he turned from the veranda back inside once more. "I'm going to tell Makoto you wanted to come with me, so then you'll have to come."

"Wanted?" Haru said, and the shuffled of blankets told Rin he was actually turning indignantly to follow him, though his tone suggested he felt nothing but bored irritation. "What part of this is 'wanting'?"

"Alright, then, agreed to come," Rin corrected. He spared Haru a glance over his shoulder as he tapped out a quick message to Makoto that he really should have sent the moment he was sure Haru was alright. He couldn't help but smile at the persisting scowl on Haru's face. It was true that on anyone else it would hardly even be considered a scowl at all, but for Haru it was practically murderous. "Just accept it and pipe down. You'll have more fun if you do."

Rin turned away from Haru to the sound of his muttered, "So annoying," and though it amused him he felt his smile die. Fear. Fear was the pervading emotion that morning, fear and realisation as Rin was hit with the epiphany that still rocked him a little incredulously. He didn't care if Haru thought he was annoying, if he got angry with him, if he objected to his presumptuousness. Rin didn't care about that at all. So long as he could still swim with him, still remain at his side, still stay with him – so long as he had that he didn't really care about anything else.


	3. Chapter 3 - Swim Away

**Chapter 3: Swim Away**

 _Wanna swim away,_

 _And breathe the open air._

* * *

Haru had never wanted to visit Australia. He still didn't particularly want to, not even now that he was here and admittedly bathing in the luxurious warmth that radiated mildly from above and reflected in tangible waves off the pale sand around him. And yet ever since Rin had left to live abroad for his swimming, Haru had been if not interested then at least mildly curious. He couldn't help it, not with it being where Rin had gone. He'd never asked Rin about Australia but that didn't mean he didn't think about what had happened while he'd been away.

They'd been in the country for less than a day and in that time Rin had managed to thoroughly annoy Haru more times than he could count. He'd deliberately waited when the officer at customs had asked him a question in English spoken too rapidly for Haru to attempt to translate it, had strode off through the airport without a backwards glance as to ensure Haru didn't lose himself in the throng of foreigners – a very likely possibility given that it was both thickly congested and unfamiliar to him – and hadn't even bothered to tell him where they were heading. He just led and expected Haru to follow.

Which Haru did. What else could he do? It wasn't like he had any better ideas. When Rin had up and disappeared on him briefly not an hour before, Haru had questioned not for the first time why he'd 'agreed' to come along with Rin.

Agreed. How ridiculous.

And yet despite of all of that, despite that Haru was still thoroughly annoyed with Rin, he didn't regret it. Question it, yes, but not regret. Because even though he was irritated, even though he could only shoot a disgruntled glance at Rin when he turned towards Haru expectantly with just the faintest mocking touch to his expression, he didn't dislike it. He didn't dislike it at all, because that irritation didn't fade. It wasn't smothered into numbness or listlessness as Haru was only too familiar with. There were few enough reasons in Haru's life that he wasn't overrun by such numbness. Swimming was one of them.

Oftentimes, Haru knew from long experience, Rin was another.

Seated on the soft sand, legs tucked to his chest and arms looped around his knees, Haru watched Rin kick the fine grains idly with each step as he started towards the water. It was unseasonably warm for August, though Haru wasn't sure if that was simply how it always was in Australia. Not warm enough to go swimming, however, or at least he suspected Makoto would think so. Haru had never really been on the same plane of consideration as Makoto for what he deemed an acceptable temperature to swim at.

Rin had suggested it. He'd suggested they go in the water. Haru might have even silently taken him up on the suggestion but – but for right now he didn't really feel inclined to. Not at the moment. Not after everything that had happened in the last forty-eight hours. Haru would be lying if he said he didn't want to swim because he always wanted to swim, but after the relative silence flight and the thoughtfulness it induced, he simply didn't feel inclined. It reminded him too sombrely of standing alongside the beach with Makoto days before, of the questions he'd prodded with and demanded answers for.

Haru didn't want to think about that. To consider such questions was the main reason he'd ended up in this situation in the first place. Seeking the silence of water, the release of the hollow muffling of viscous weight pressing down upon him and ridding him of the numbness that always rose like a wave to shatter his anger and leave nothing but disjointed, unfeeling shards in its wake was… it was one of the few ways he could escape it. It hardly mattered that Rin thought it was something else.

Drown himself? Of course Haru hadn't tried to drown himself. At least, he didn't think he had. What had happened had just… happened.

Unfortunately, for whatever reason, Rin didn't take his explanation as justification. Juxtaposing to his casual disregard throughout the entirety of their trip so far, Rin had been insistent that Haru not be alone, that he not stray from sight. It made Haru feel like a child tugged along in his parent's wake rather than accompanying a friend on their holiday.

Still, that annoyance didn't fade. It wasn't replaced with numbness, as it often wasn't when concerning Rin. If anything, it did a modicum of good when Haru's thoughts drifted unconsciously and unwillingly towards Makoto, his words and what those thoughts manifested into.

Dreams.

Futures.

Haru didn't want to think about that.

"You could at least try and enjoy yourself."

Glancing up from his knees, Haru spared Rin a flat glance. He'd stepped in slow, lazy shuffles to the water's edge, only to jump slightly as the tide drew in and swept chilled water across his toes. At least Haru assumed it was cold; he wasn't going to go and find out.

"I don't feel like it," he said.

"Wow, you're such a fun person to bring on a holiday," Rin said, shaking his head as he turned in a slow circle. His feet grazed through the tide as it swept in with another wave, unflinching this time. "Remind me not to invite you along to another."

"You were the one who asked me in the first place."

"I know," Rin replied simply, entirely overlooking the irony of his own words. "Doesn't mean I can't think you're a killjoy."

Haru rolled his eyes, shaking his head and glancing sidelong. The beach wasn't richly dotted with beach-goers given that it wasn't the holidays or even the weekend in Australia at that moment, but there was still a noticeable speckling. Families with parents and pre-schoolers, a couple of surfers with boards longer than they were tall, the red and yellow lifeguards spaced distantly along the expanse of beachfront. Haru and Rin were the only two their age but for a distant few surfers that couldn't be more than a year or two older.

Haru found his gaze settle upon the two young men that stood with boards tucked under their arms, chatting idly and loud enough that their words carried as a ripple of sound across the expanse of sand. They looked comfortable, happy, with not a care but for the impressiveness of the next wave to wash in which, given the respectable heights of those already rising, wasn't really a problem at all. Haru knew it to be a superficial observation but he envied them slightly. He envied their comfort. How easy it would be to think of nothing but the next wave – not a wave of the familiar and choking numbness but of water and coolness and the luxuriating wash of freeing submersion. The release that was accompanied by the simple act of swimming that made everything feel okay, made everything possible.

Haru wanted that. He wanted that far more than he wanted any kind of dream or future.

"So. You and Makoto had a fight?"

At Rin's words, Haru drew his attention slowly back towards where he stood a slight distance away, turned casually sidelong. A flicker of annoyance rose within him once more before it faded. Not into numbness, thankfully, but simply died.

Haru pressed his lips together, offering a short nod before resting his chin on his knees. "Mm."

Rin kicked at the thin dribble of wave creeping up the beach for a moment before replying. "It's no big deal, you know. You don't have to be so caught up about it. Sousuke and I fight all the time."

 _That's not the real problem,_ Haru thought, but he didn't say as much. He didn't voice how it was as much if not more Makoto's words themselves that got to him, that more than the fight it was his persistence and the confusion elicited on top of everything else that had just been building up. True, the both of them weren't prone to fighting and it made Haru uneasy and just a little sad, but that regret was intermingled with everything else dragged to the fore alongside it. "It was our first one," he murmured.

Rin didn't reply, turning to gaze out across the water. When he turned back towards Haru once more it was to open his mouth as if to speak before clamping it closed once more, his jaw twitching slightly as it tightened. He'd been doing that a lot, Haru had noticed, and that was saying something because Haru knew he wasn't the sort of person to particularly notice that sort of thing.

But this he noticed. This he thought he maybe even understood, even without being expressly told. Or at least not expressly told again.

Rin was worried.

He didn't have a reason to be. At least Haru didn't think he did, anyway. What had happened at the pool… maybe it was a bit of a problem. Maybe it was an accident that shouldn't have happened, an accident that would have turned into a catastrophe had Rin not been there, but it hadn't. And Haru hadn't been trying to kill himself. He truly knew he hadn't been. He didn't want to die, regardless of how infuriating and confusing and painful his thoughts were becoming the longer and longer they manifested.

It was just that the water had always been his escape. An escape from it all, deafening the mental cries for attention into the gurgle of bubbles, the splash of water flicked up by his own fingers, the hollow, source-less thrumming that could only be sensed when submerged.

Haru hadn't meant to stay underwater for that long. He really hadn't meant to. And though it was concerning in an unexpected way that Rin was worried, worried enough that it was obvious, he didn't need to be. Haru didn't think he'd do it again. He wasn't stupid enough not to be on the lookout for the urge to simply sink in future.

Not that it meant he'd willingly start his medication again. Haru didn't – he didn't want that.

There was a long pause in which neither of them spoke, in which Rin seemed to struggle with the urge to speak. Haru could almost hear the repeated nagging, the questioning and prodding that was so familiar coming from Rin that Haru had years ago learned to endure it rather than become overly annoyed by it or risk their friendship. He waited expectantly, and yet when Rin finally turned fully towards him and started to his side it was only to heave a somewhat weary sigh before lowering himself to the sand next to him.

"Do I have to guess what it's about?" He asked.

Haru peered at him sidelong without lifting his chin from his knees. "Do you really have to guess?"

Rin's nose twitched slightly, his lips tugging downwards as if in understanding. "Yeah, I thought so. I mean…" He drew a deep breath before puffing it out in a sharp sigh. "I really do mean it. I'm sorry about what I said at the tournament last time."

"You already said that," Haru said, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. Really, his anger for their confrontation had died long ago. It was nothing but a memory now.

"Yeah, well, I'm saying it again," Rin said sharply, clicking his tongue as though frustrated. Haru fought against the urge to snort. How Rin managed to get annoyed over the smallest things he'd never understand. "I just… we all just want to help you out, you know."

"You're sounding like Makoto now," Haru said, shifting his chin so he could turn more fully to Rin. "I told him to keep his nose out of my business."

Rin winced slightly, glancing at Haru sidelong in turn. "How'd he take that?"

"About as well as you can imagine, I suppose." Haru closed his eyes briefly. Makoto had pushed and pushed, and it had been annoying – infuriating even – but Haru regretted it now. Makoto did the kicked puppy impression just a little too well and as such it was all the harder to shun him without the ruddy touch of anger to highlight the scene.

"He did the kicked puppy thing, didn't he?"

Haru felt his lips twitch just slightly as Rin echoed his thoughts. "Yeah."

"He does that a little too well, doesn't he?"

"Yeah."

"He was just worried about you too, you know."

Haru rolled his eyes. "Unnecessarily."

"Or very necessarily, as it turns out after what happened," Rin replied.

Haru frowned just slightly, warningly. He didn't want to have this conversation again now. "Rin."

Rin held up a hand in placation. "I'm not going to, alright. You're an idiot and I'm still so pissed off at you about everything, but I'm not going to talk about it now. Alright?"

Haru regarded him dubiously before shrugging a shoulder. He didn't want to talk about the 'drowning' incident either, doubted he would ever want to again, but Rin clearly felt the need. Haru expected to have that conversation before they left Australia without a doubt. Rin was never one particularly good at holding his tongue on questions. He was practically famous for his inability to do so.

"What I did want to say," Rin continued after a moment, "is that I think Makoto might have the right idea."

Haru felt his frown deepen. "Sticking his nose into my business?"

It was Rin's turn to shrug, and his did so unabashedly. "Maybe. You said you didn't have any ideas, right? So maybe you need more noses stuck."

"That is the worst use of a metaphor I've ever heard," Haru said, shifting his gaze away from Rin and out across the water once more. Memory of their argument at the tournament rose in the forefront of his mind, of the words that had spilled forth in his anger. _You don't understand. What dream? What future? I don't have that!_ Haru hadn't even known he'd felt that way until that moment.

Rin didn't really understand. He didn't. Haru had no ideas, and nothing of particular appeal was presenting itself. He didn't want to swim for anyone but himself, but before a crowd, to beat a time, to surpass all others – that was the only way he could chase what he loved.

Haru didn't want that.

"Shut up," Rin said at his side, though there was a smile in his voice. "What I meant was maybe you could actually use the help?"

"What, are you offering?" Harry asked, turning back towards him. "I don't need help, Rin."

"Bullshit."

"I don't. I can work things out on my own."

"Bullshit," Rin repeated, and before Haru could say another word in denial continued to override him. "But even if you did, you don't have to. Fucking hell, Haru, would it kill you to take a hand when it's offered to you?"

"A hand?" Haru asked. "From you I'd expect a punch to be more likely."

"That was, like, one time," Rin huffed, rocking his head backwards as if to gaze imploringly at the sky. "Besides, Makoto would never throw a punch."

"Maybe I don't want Makoto's help," Haru said shortly.

Rin slowly turned to face him once more and Haru couldn't help but drop his gaze. There was something unreadable – as arose so often – in Rin's expression and Haru didn't like being the subject of something that eluded him like that. "So… not Makoto?"

"Not Makoto. He's got his own ideas. He's going to university."

Rin was silent for a moment before nodding slowly. "I could see that."

"Yeah, no surprises there," Haru said in direct denial of his thoughts but days before. Really, when he thought about it, maybe he should have expected it of Makoto. It was just that he hadn't really thought about them leaving. About any of them leaving.

"So just not Makoto?" Rin repeated.

Haru switched his attention back towards Rin, regarding him in confusion. "What are you going on about?"

But Rin was smiling now. Not his usual wide grin of sharp teeth and taunts but with the beginnings of something almost satisfied. In a sudden lurch he was springing to his feet, snatching up his bag where it lay discarded on the sand beside him, and spun to stand directly before Haru. He bent just slightly and stuck out a hand in what would have been an offer in anyone else but from Rin was more of an insistent demand. "I'll do it then."

Haru stared up at him. "What -?"

"I'll do it," Rin interrupted him. "You're always the sort of person to dig your heels in, stubborn shit that you are –"

"I'm the stubborn one?"

" – so I'm taking the choice away from you." Flapping his hand slightly as though to dangle his proffered fingers, Rin smirked. "All you've got to do is hang on and I'll drag you there."

Haru blinked slowly up at him, unmoving. "What are you going on about?"

Rin heaved a sigh that was far too dramatically exasperated for the situation before reaching forwards and wrapping his fingers around Haru's wrist. Haru didn't get the chance to 'dig his heels in' for without another word Rin was hauling him to his feet and hauling him in a tugging drag as he started up the beach. Haru barely managed to snatch at his own bag from the sand before they were practically running from the beach.

"Hey, Rin!" Haru began, but Rin only flashed a smile over his shoulder. He didn't loosen his hold in the slightest.

"You've got no dream you say, Haru?" He asked. Rhetorically, or at least Haru presumed, for he ploughed on without waiting for an answer. "Then we'll make you one. I'm not going to force it upon you but I can at least help you work it out. Maybe lead you on a bit. You've just got to hang on to me while I lead you the right way."

Haru had nothing to say to that. He could only stare bemusedly at the back of Rin's head as he started to run in earnest now. He didn't understand it. Haru didn't really understand it at all. Why did Rin care? Why did anyone care, really – Makoto, Nagisa, Rei, even Yamazaki, but especially Rin. He was the most persistent, the most recurring in his offerings of assistance that were more like demands.

Why did it really even matter to him?

Haru wasn't sure. He didn't know why, and didn't even know if he really wanted to understand. He just let himself be dragged along in Rin's wake. As it turned out, he didn't need to hang on himself; Rin was doing the holding just fine on his own.

* * *

Rin could feel his cheeks burning in mortification even as he rested his forehead upon the receptionist's counter, a groan spilling from his lips before he could help himself.

Great. This was fucking great. Fantastic, even. Or at least it was for whichever god was playing a sick prank on him.

The hotel had mixed up the booking. Of course it had, because no trip could ever run completely smoothly. It had been going almost too well up until that point; they'd trekked through Sydney, taking in the sights as almost an afterthought before stopping at the beach, and Rin didn't think it was solely his hope that made Haru seem less detached and withdrawn than he'd been two days before. Or at least as much as Haru ever got.

Their brief conversation at the beach had been a benefit, as much because Rin had voiced his thoughts and had them unchallenged as anything else. Haru had accepted Rin's inescapable offer for assistance, even if that acceptance was more resignation than real gratitude and readiness to welcome that support. He'd seemed to have even risen a little from his melancholy after that, though it might have just been Rin's own positivity for that simple 'acceptance' that made him seem as such.

It had been wonderful seeing Russell and Lori once more, and had almost been struggled to leave them. Rin hadn't realised how much he'd missed them both until he'd seen them once more. Haru had been quiet, but then that was only to be expected, as much because he was naturally that way as because he didn't understand much of the language. He hadn't seemed as melancholic then either.

But now this had happened.

It wasn't the room, for there was nothing expressly wrong with the room itself. It was the bed that Rin had an issue with. Even that wouldn't have been anything particularly insufferable – Rin wasn't squeamish about bowing to necessity when sleeping arrangements dictated – but now…

Why did it have to be now? Now, after what had happened, after days in which Rin had slowly and detachedly come to a realisation brought on by his bout of terror. It was hard enough not to be overtly aware of Haru's presence _all the time_. Now he had to share a bed with him?

It had to happen. Of course it would. Damn that laughing god.

With a heavy sigh, struggling with the urge not to glare at the open-faced receptionist as she adopted a professional visage of apology, Rin turned and strode back towards the stairwell. _Fucking brilliant_ , he thought to himself as he climbed the stairs once more towards the room. _As if my life wasn't hard enough at the moment_.

Taking a deep breath, Rin thrust aside the upwelling of uncharacteristic nervousness that spilled through him and pushed through the door. He uttered an exasperated sigh that was just a little forced as he snapped the door shut with perhaps more effort than was entirely necessary. He folded his arms across his chest and leant back against it, adopting an indignant frown as he turned towards Haru. "They won't change it. Apparently there's no other options available for the night."

Haru glanced up from where he was sitting on the bed, half bent over and rifling through his bag. The bag that Rin had packed, he recalled detachedly, and couldn't help but remember when he'd done so. He wondered if Haru had happened across the bottle of pills yet. He wondered what he'd think about Rin forcing him to bring them along.

Slowly, Haru drew himself up straight, blinking slowly at Rin as though curious. Back straight, expression effectively blank – it was so typical of Haru as to be almost relieving. Haru had always been quiet, always mutely attentive and yet strangely oblivious to so much that went on around him. And yet naturally – or as naturally as Rin had come to understand he was when he took his medication – he was content. Maybe not happy exactly, but certainly not listless.

Rin hated that listlessness. Thankfully, it appeared to have all but vanished for the moment and hadn't resurfaced once on their trip that he'd noticed. Rin could only be thankful for that. Even the memory of it drew forth that of what had happened only days before and Rin… Rin didn't want to think about that. It made him sick to even consider.

A long moment of silence passed in which Rin fought the urge not to fidget under Haru's stare. He'd never had a problem with being stared at before, and certainly not by Haru because Haru had a tendency to just stare sometimes, but now he just felt utterly exposed. It was as though his thoughts were spread for display. Did Haru realise? Did he understand what went on in Rin's head? It wasn't likely, because quiet and attentive as Haru might seem Rin knew him to be largely introspective and oblivious _all the time_ , but it still concerned him. He shifted once more, tightening the fold of his arms and frowned slightly. "What?"

Haru blinked, then shrugged carelessly. "So? Does it really matter?"

"It matters," Rin said shortly. "It matters because –"

He cut himself off abruptly with a huff. A moment later and he was shaking his head sharply and striding across the room to where he'd dropped his own bag. "Whatever. I'm using the bathroom first."

"Of course you are."

Rin paused where he'd crouched beside his bed, sparing a glance over his shoulder for Haru. He raised an eyebrow. "What?"

Haru stared back at him blankly. Honestly, sometimes it was difficult to discern if he was naturally blank-faced or merely hiding his expression exceptionally well. Rin was given the impression it was the latter this time. "I said of course you are," Haru repeated

"What does that mean, exactly?"

"It means that I would only expect as much of you to put yourself forward first."

Rin stared at Haru for a moment, hands half buried in his bag. Was Haru just… teasing him? He didn't sound indignant, but it was difficult to tell if he was joking either. Haru's sense of humour was often difficult to recognise. "Well, if you have such a problem with it, Your Majesty, feel free to go before me."

"I wouldn't deprive you of that," Haru said quietly, shrugging just barely. "I wouldn't want you to get upset."

"Stop that."

"Stop what?"

"Being a bastard."

Haru did nothing more than blink with wide, guileless eyes. He had a poker face to challenge the world leaders. "Am I?"

Rin nodded shortly. "You definitely are," he replied, before straightening and taking himself to the bathroom. He closed the door behind him without another word.

Rin didn't like to be teased. He didn't like condescension or pity, or to have jokes made at his expense even when no one else was around to hear them. And yet that Haru had done just that, even if it was difficult to discern as being teasing or something else, was sort of relieving. Anything was better than how it had been two days ago.

It was late by the time they took themselves to bed that night, and though Rin continued to grumble – admittedly more in embarrassment that anything – it wasn't as insufferable as it could have been. Rin ensured it was so, especially after one such complaint had resulted in Haru's sighed, "It won't matter when you're asleep, so just go to sleep already". Rin couldn't exactly counter such logic.

Even so, it was difficult. Rin had rolled onto his side so that he was turned very definitely away from Haru, arm tucked under his head and trying not to think about the fact that his friend, his friend who he'd abruptly come to consider as perhaps more than his friend in recent days and quite literally couldn't stop thinking about, was barely an arm's length away from him _in the same bed._

Rin kept his eyes closed, fighting for sleep that he knew wouldn't come. It couldn't, not with how his thoughts were buzzing like a swarm of nattering locusts. It probably wasn't right, not to think about these sorts of things after everything that had happened so recently. If Rin was really going to help Haru, really do some good, then he would tell someone about what had happened. He would get some help, probably contact Haru's parents, encourage him back onto his medication and stick by his side every step of the way to ensure that what had happened at the Iwatobi Swim Club pool but days before wouldn't happen again.

It was unrealistic to think he'd be able to manage it, but Rin had every intention of doing just that. At least for as long as he could. He'd stick right by Haru's side, even if his intentions perhaps weren't as entirely sincerely concerned as they should have been.

 _When did this happen, exactly?_ Rin found himself wondering, squeezing his eyes shut on the blackness of his eyelids until sparks jumped in that darkness. _When did I even first start to care about him that much?_ Quite honestly, Rin couldn't remember. It had simply crept upon him or… or perhaps it had always been there. Rin had always watched Haru, always admired him, even before they'd officially met. When he'd taken a visit back from Australia, Haru had been the one he'd wanted to see the most.

When Rin thought about it, that probably should have been a bit of an indication. Did Haru know? He wasn't all that perceptive in most things and wasn't very observant either, but to Rin it just seemed so obvious. Did Haru realise just what was going on inside Rin's head? Did he know? Did he care?

Rin wasn't sure if he wanted him to or not. He didn't know how anyone would respond to his feelings, let alone Haru. He hardly even knew himself but to know what he felt.

Quite without meaning to, Rin found his eyes flickering open into the dark room and his voice murmuring into the silence. The words that spilled forth spoke in memory of that which played in the forefront of his mind. "Hey, Haru. What I told Lori and Russell was true. You probably don't even remember the first time we met."

He asked it as much as a question as a statement, but Haru didn't reply to his unvoiced suggestion. He didn't shift either, but Rin had the suspicion he was awake and listening nonetheless. "To me it might as well have been yesterday."

Maybe he was simply being nostalgic. Maybe it was because in the past two days Rin had been going over and over in his head every instance they'd spoken, every time they'd shared an exchange and every time they'd swum together. Rin really could remember, could recall when they'd met so clearly it could really have been yesterday. He found himself talking, recalling, voicing that which he hadn't before.

Of how he'd never anticipated someone being able to swim faster than him.

How his indignation and even anger had faded into awe as admiration had grown to take its place when he'd stared up from where he'd sprawled in a huffing heap on the pool deck at the unfamiliar boy before him who'd managed to beat him.

How that admiration had grown into fierce rivalry, and how Rin had flourished on it, on the friendship and competition he had with a boy who was so vastly different to him in so many ways and yet who shared the same love of swimming, of pushing himself, of being better.

And of how he needed him. How Rin needed that, needed Haru at his side, or even ahead of him to urge him onwards. How Rin discovered who he was because he'd had Haru at his side to uncover it with him.

He didn't know if any of that was as important to Haru as it was to Rin. He didn't know if Haru put the same weight on it, was almost certain that his own feelings hadn't progressed in the same direction, and didn't know if Haru would remember, but –

"I do remember."

The words died on Rin's tongue as Haru spoke. Sudden warmth flooded through him and it was impossible to withhold the smile that spread across his lips. Rin couldn't help himself but rolled from his side onto his back to glance sidelong through the darkness illuminated only faintly by the streetlights to the back of Haru's head where he still lay curled up on his own side of the bed. Away from Rin and for all appearances seeming intent on falling to sleep. There was genuine consideration in his voice, however, and Rin didn't think it was entirely his imagination that Haru was caught in his own thoughts. That he could remember and that it was a good thing. Thinking about swimming… it had always been good for Haru. Mostly, anyway.

Rin found himself talking once more, closing his eyes briefly before glancing back at Haru with a sidelong stare and the beginnings of a smile. "And how about that last freestyle race in spring?" Rin almost sighed wistfully. "That felt pretty good setting a new record together."

Haru shifted at that, turning his head slightly so that Rin could just catch a glimpse of his gaze drawn towards him, barely discernible through the darkness. He made a wordless sound of agreement, barely audible, and there was something in his expression, something open and attentive that urged Rin to continue almost without thought. He never would have expected himself to admit as much but…

"Don't take this the wrong way, but I was testing you. I needed to see how far I could push you." Rin bit back his widening smile that grew just a little rueful. That hadn't been the entire truth, of course. Rin always lost himself in the water, the speed and the chase when he raced Haru. Because they were the same, the two of them. They were of the same league, heading in the same direction, reaching for the same heights, if in a different way and Rin was the only one who realised it. Surely that meant something. Surely it wasn't only Rin who felt it.

He hadn't realised he'd spoken until he felt Haru shift at his side. It was nothing but a slight shuffle, a curl in upon himself, and his head tucked once more away from Rin. From the corner of his eye, Rin could see his hand rise up to tug just slightly, almost distractedly, at his hair before it settled just noticeably against his ear. As though Haru didn't want to hear any more.

Ah. Another bad topic. Rin had thought that Haru would perhaps even prefer to talk about this than what had happened at the Iwatobi pool, especially after their brief conversation at the beach, but apparently this subject was a taboo as well. Rin wanted to talk about it. He wanted to encourage Haru, to urge him to take those steps alongside him. He didn't know what else he could say that would encourage him to do so, though.

Rin couldn't imagine swimming without Haru. He couldn't imagine it almost as much as he struggled to think about Haru not being around at all. About – about what would have happened if he hadn't been there to drag him from the water, if he hadn't been watching, if he'd been too slow or too hesitant…

Swallowing, Rin squeezed his eyes closed for a moment. When he thought of it like that, swimming and competing were almost of negligible concern by comparison. What did it matter if they didn't race next to if Haru wasn't around at all? They hadn't spent as much time with one another of late, not as they had when they were children, but Rin couldn't think… he didn't want to think of what it would be like if…

The sudden, now familiar dryness in Rin's mouth was a struggle to swallow past, but he managed well enough to speak. He had to, because abruptly he felt the unshakeable need to get the words off his chest. Rin had never been one particularly adept at remaining silent. "You know, Haru, I… I don't know if you want to hear this but I'm going to tell you anyway." Another swallow that was as inadequate as the first. "I admire you. And I really, really like swimming with you. But that… when I think about that and…" He paused, squeezing his eyes closed for a moment if only to blot out the slight turn of Haru's head towards him, the curious attentiveness. "What happened a few days ago. When you – when that happened. I realised that it wasn't just about the swimming."

He paused, as much because he was feeling sick for the memories as due to the embarrassment and awkwardness that he was actually speaking his mind _._ He chanced a glance towards Haru, caught his eye as he was just turned towards him, hand still resting but not pressing against his ear. He looked just a little confused, which was about the most emotion Haru ever wore. "What?"

Rin fought the urge to sigh. Or all the times to be oblivious… "It fucking scared the shit out of me, you know? When I thought you'd – when I didn't know if you'd –" Had Rin ever been so inarticulate in his life? He didn't think so. His tongue abruptly felt as though it were swollen and incapable of speech. He drew a long, steadying breath that didn't do all that much good. "It scared me. The thought that it almost happened, that you'd almost…"

Rin trailed off, both the embarrassment and horror overwhelming him enough that he had to close his eyes once more. For a long moment it was only that, the image of his friend who he'd realised he cared for more than as strictly friends lying cold, limp and for all impressions dead before him. Rin didn't think he would ever –

"Sorry."

The word was so quiet that Rin almost didn't hear it. When it registered, he opened his eyes and glanced towards Haru once more.

Haru had turned his head away from him, his hand rising to tug slightly at his hair once more, resting on his ear. Rin wished he wasn't looking away, for he suddenly wanted to see his face, to attempt to discern what he was thinking from his expression. Not that looking would likely do any good; Haru wasn't exactly easy to read.

Haru continued after a moment, his voice nearly too quiet to discern. "I didn't mean to worry you."

 _And that's the problem,_ Rin thought. _That's the main problem. You didn't_ _mean it, but it happened anyway._ "I know," he said, and with a clearing of his throat attempted a casual tease. "I doubt you really give a shit what I think most of the time anyway, yeah?"

Haru shook his head slightly. "I never want to upset you, Rin. If it happens I'm not doing it on purpose. When we race, when we fought – I didn't do it to upset you."

Rin stared at the back of Haru's head for a moment. It was perhaps the most awkward yet heartfelt conversation they'd ever shared, and it was hitting something inside him that was both thankful to be struck and heartily objecting to the blow. Rin ignored the niggling voice that muttered in response. He could only stare at his friend for a long moment before he found the words. "I don't actually want to piss you off all that much either, you know."

"Really?" Haru muttered. "That's a surprise."

"Shut up," Rin said, but couldn't suppress a small smile. It faded almost instantly, however. "What I meant was that I don't want to… upset you either. With what I said, when I was asking you about your meds – I really didn't mean to piss you off."

Haru didn't reply for a long time, and Rin thought for a horrible moment that he'd pushed too far. That he shouldn't have brought up the meds at all. He was almost on the verge of disregarding his words with another casual comment when Haru spoke. "Yeah," he murmured, even quieter than before. "I think I know that. And I'm sorry."

Ring turned his head more fully this time, shifting to peer through the darkness at what he could make out of Haru buried but for his head and the one hand resting atop his ear above the blankets. All he could hear was the soft sound of breathing, and to him it was almost a blessing to hear. Rin hadn't thought that breathing would be a sound that ever meant so much to him, but from Haru, when he recalled the moments where he hadn't heard it at all, it was somehow soothing.

Almost without thought, Rin found himself reaching a hand towards him. He didn't ask for permission, simply reached and curled his hands around Haru's upraised arm, fingers locking around his wrist. The same wrist he'd grasped to pull him from the water, he realised. As soon as his fingers touched warm skin it was as though Rin could breathe properly himself. As though a weight he hadn't even realised settled upon him had been lifted. There was something just so comforting about holding on to him, as though to do so would be to deny that Haru would ever leave him.

"Me too," Rin found himself saying. "I'm sorry too." He didn't even know what he was apologising for, but Haru didn't question it.

He didn't question that Rin held onto him either, or that he didn't let go as they both fell into silence. Rin could only be grateful for that because he truly didn't think he ever wanted to. He didn't know what that meant, but it felt comforting.

The next morning, he woke to find Haru already awake and pottering about the room. Rin hardly spared him a glance and a word of greeting before sheepishly taking himself to the bathroom. Perhaps they would just ignore the fact that he'd fallen to sleep with his hand still clasped around Haru's wrist. Perhaps it would be better for the both of them to just ignore it.

All thoughts of such were drawn from his mind, however, when Rin caught a glimpse of the bathroom counter, the minimal mess of toothbrushes and soaps that they'd used the night before. He couldn't help but feel something close to a smile struggle to spread across his lips at what he saw. Rin didn't want to jump to conclusions, didn't want to make any assumptions, but the sight of the medicine bottle resting beside the faucet, right beside Haru's toothbrush as though used, was definitely reassuring.


	4. Chapter 4 - You Say

**Chapter 4: You Say**

 _But I feel so afraid,_

 _Then I hear you say._

* * *

It didn't feel right.

The stadium was too big. Too big by far. It felt wrong to even step in it with the vague consideration of swimming, let alone to actually do it. Even so, Haru couldn't help but feel tempted.

It was Rin's fault. He was the one who'd suggested it and Haru had never been particularly good at saying no to a suggestion to swim. Or at least Rin had offered while at the same time appearing distinctly unnerved. Unnerved enough that Haru noticed, which was saying something because he knew he wasn't often understanding of expressions that were overt displays of emotion. Rin hid his well, but the memory of their conversation the previous night still rung in Haru's mind.

He really was sorry for what had happened. Mostly because it had upset Rin, but nonetheless, he was sorry.

As they'd changed, however, taking themselves into the aquatic centre change rooms that had absolutely no one else within, Rin had appeared to shunt his concerns to the side. He still spared Haru glances, sidelong stares that Haru thought he perhaps wasn't supposed to see but were a little difficult to ignore, but they were both distracted as they stepped back out to the poolside. There was an Olympic-sized pool before them, after all.

Haru would be lying if he said he wasn't just a little bit overawed. This pool had swum Olympians, had hosted world-class races, swum athletes who poured their heart and soul into every stroke. It felt somehow blasphemous for Haru to swim in it, despite desperately wanting to. He wasn't like those athletes. He didn't have what they had.

But Rin had said it was alright for them to swim. And though there was still a touch of hesitancy within him, though the thought of swimming in such a place was as daunting as it was breathtaking, Haru couldn't resist the temptation.

He spared a glance for Rin as he passed towards the bench, unslinging his bag from his shoulder. Rin paused in step, stared at him for a moment before smiling wolfishly and tipping his head towards the pool. "Well? What are we waiting for?"

Haru returned his gaze for a moment. He was almost surprised that Rin had 'let' him anywhere near a pool. He seemed far more worried than Haru was for what had happened at the Iwatobi pool which… which Haru felt sorry for as well.

Strange. He'd never really felt apologetic about all that much before. Rin seemed to be the exception, and not just in this instance.

Stepping up to the diving board, Haru stood tall and still for a moment, staring down the length of the pool. His eyes were drawn once more to where they'd passed before, to whom Rin had told him were the national team off to his right, if only to observe with a mixture of awe and curiosity. Haru might not entirely understand their drive, might even find it unfathomable how they could swim for nothing but the desire to win, but he could still admire them. There was something about watching an exceptional swimmer that was captivating to behold.

As he watched, switching his gaze between the glistening, faintly lapping pool and the team, a tall, blond man stepped up to the lane at his side. Haru barely came up to his shoulder, but he was far from intimidating for the easy smile he wore. He flashed that smile towards Haru as he climbed with practiced steps up onto the diving board.

Bending over into a preparatory fold, he flashed Haru a wink. "Hey, mate," he said, thick accent drawling the English slightly. "How's it going?" Then, with an exuberant shout of, "Let's go!" he dove.

Haru couldn't help but stare. He couldn't help but watch with a mixture of that same awe and longing as the blond man flew what seemed nearly half the length of the pool, body long and stretched like a torpedo, before arcing into the water. The splash was smooth and barely a disturbance before the man broke the surface and ploughed through the water like a speedboat. He swam as though he was made for it, as though he were born to be in the water.

Just like Haru. Haru had never felt more comfortable than he was when he swum. That thought, that recognition surpassing even his frustration for his 'dreams' and the confusion for his 'future', urged Haru towards his own diving board. In that moment, it hardly mattered. It didn't matter that he swum only for himself. It didn't matter that everything was too hard, too wrong, that it wasn't how it should be. That what Rin urged him towards wasn't the right reason to swim.

Haru wanted to. And in that moment there was no stopping him.

"Haru," Rin asked, momentarily drawing Haru's attention from the pool. He was smiling just slightly, tugging his own eyes from the Olympic swimmer to settle his gaze on him. "We should go too."

Haru stared at him for a moment. He wasn't sure if it was his imagination, but he thought there was just a little more emphasis on the 'we' in his statement than was necessary. Upon the statement itself. He was left with the impression that it wasn't so much a sprint up the length of the pool that he was referring to.

Haru didn't question it, however. Instead, he only nodded shortly, uttered a decisive, "Yeah" and climbed up onto the diving board.

With a flying leap of his own, Haru sprung free. There was a moment, a brief moment in which he soared through the air before he curved into the pool. The cool slap of water pricked his skin as it slid over his fingers, his arms, across his shoulders to wrap around his entire body like a skin-tight suit. It was cool, quiet but for the hollow echoes of Water itself, the gurgle of the bubbles that Haru breathed out in his dive.

It was comfortable. It was the world. It seemed to embody everything that Haru wanted in its cool embrace, and even without thought he felt his body surge into motion.

 _This. I want to keep swimming in a place like this forever._

If there was one thing Haru was certain of it was that.

Breaking the surface, his arms reached forth in rapid, powering strokes. His feet kicked in sharp snaps behind him, their splashes muffled by the water that flooded his ears. It was instinctive, natural, perfect, and just as it always did, just as Haru let it do, the water and the swim washed everything away. Even if only briefly, it would relieve him of the grasping numbness, of the confusion and the frustration and even the anger that had arisen so often of late. It shook loose the rising wave that threatened to overwhelm him, to crash upon him and drag him down, but instead gave him fins to surf upon the wave and escape its grasping claws.

Haru couldn't explain that to anyone. He wasn't sure anyone else would understand how much he not only wanted but needed it. Swimming wasn't a hobby or a job to him. It was as integral as food, as breathing air. Precious few people in the world would likely even contemplate such a fundamental purpose.

The swim was too short. In what felt like only a second, a second of the tensing and stretching of muscles to throw himself through the water, the speed with single-minded focus not towards The End but to dive into the thick embrace of water itself, it was over. Haru's hand sliced through the water to graze against the wall and he was done. It was ended. And yet when his feet dropped to the ground, his head rising from the water, it was to a peaceful release the likes of which he hadn't known he'd needed until that moment.

Water flooded from his face, dribbling from his hair and down his cheeks as Haru stood tall, hand rising to flip his borrowed goggles aside. He was breathing heavily, perhaps more heavily than the fifty meters warranted, but it hardly mattered. It was freeing, relieving, and for the first time in days it felt like he could truly breathe again.

Turning, Haru caught sight of the blond man halfway back up the pool, already turned and making his second lap. He saw the rest of the national team stepping up to their own diving boards, a man in a blue cap taking a flying leap into the pool and surfacing into white-foamed splashes of butterfly. Yet more specifically Rin caught Haru's attention as he sped the length of the pool down the lane at Haru's other side, familiar red hair just poking from beneath his cap darkened to almost black by the water and arms powering strongly with every stroke. Haru couldn't help but stare. Rin's swimming style was different to his own, was more fiercer, more demanding, but it was still captivating to see. He'd always found it that way.

Rin's had slapped into the wall as he drew alongside Haru, dropping his feet to rise from the water and his other hand reaching up to flip his own goggles onto his forehead. He turned towards Haru, and there was but a moment of something that was almost concern flashing in his eyes before a wide grin rose to take its place. Rin's smiles, those ones in particular – wide and almost feral – were taunting and somehow amused in their own way. They posed a challenge without words, spoke a joke or a taunt with a twitch of his lips. Haru had long been familiar with that smile. He'd missed it when Rin had been gone. It had taken a long time for it to return but when it had it was even brighter for its absence.

"Good?" Rin asked expectantly, leaning an elbow on the edge of the pool.

Haru spared him a moment of staring before replying. "You have to ask?"

Rin's grin widened further. "Well, it's hard to tell with you. You don't exactly give a whole lot away when it comes to, you know…"

Haru blinked slowly. "Know what?"

"Smiling and all."

"There's nothing wrong with not wanting to smile all the time."

Rin's grin became a smirk. "I know. Good to see you've reconciled yourself to letting it happen every now and again."

Haru was confused for a moment, and it took raising a hand to his lips to realise what Rin was talking about. Smiling – did he really wear such an expression so rarely that it was worth commenting on? It probably wasn't, in all actuality. Rin felt the need to comment on just about anything anyway.

Rin was climbing from the pool as Haru contemplated, but as soon as he heaved himself to his feet he turned back towards Haru and bent to a crouch. "Come on then," he said with a tilting gesture of his head.

Haru stared up at him with questioning regard. "Come on what?"

"Let's go again."

Haru gave a soft snort that was barely more than a sharp exhalation. "You sound so excited when you say it."

With a shrug, Rin surprisingly took the veiled condescension without rebuttal. "Not every day you get to race someone in a real Olympic pool."

"You make it sound like it's a proper race."

"Isn't it?" Rin raised an eyebrow expectantly, as though surprised Haru didn't think it otherwise. "If not 'proper', it's at least in preparation for the future."

Haru bit back the urge to frown and grumble an irritated reply. _Always the future._ "Rin," he began, but Rin cut him off with a raised hand.

"I know. I know what you're going to say – about not having a future like this and all that, but let me just put this to you, Haru: you love swimming."

"That's some impressive deduction skills you've got, Rin," Haru couldn't help but quip. His annoyance was being rapidly prodded into wakefulness.

Rin smirked once more. He seemed to have perfected the art of assuming an expression that was the perfect combination of derision, amusement and reprimand. "What I mean is that you're thinking about this too hard."

"I'm not thinking about it at all, actually," Haru said. Any guilt that had arisen within him from last night was rapidly fading beneath his irritation as it rose like a bubbling wave of its own. "I thought we agreed to lay off on this, Rin."

"We didn't actually agree," Rin corrected. "It was more by unspoken agreement."

"Which is still agreement."

"But not formally."

"Most people with common courtesy would accept it as good as."

"I'm not a particularly courteous person," Rin said was a hint of a laugh.

Haru stared up at him flatly. "Yeah, I've noticed. I _have_ just found myself in the middle of a pool in Australia."

"You say that like you don't like being here."

"The pool or Australia?"

Rin ignored him in favour of drawing the conversation back on track. "You're thinking too hard. About all of this. And me, being the incredible friend that I am, am going to help you out."

"That sounds ominous," Haru said, pursing his lips. He glanced sidelong at the Australian swimmers as a pair of them streaked towards the wall, flipping in a dizzying turn and slapping the wall before pushing off in an exchange respectively.

"It's not," Rin said. "I'm just going to lay it out like it is, okay? So don't interrupt me." Haru glanced back to him as Rin settled more firmly on his haunches on the pool deck. His grin returned as Haru simply stared for a long moment. "Right, so I have an idea."

"You have an idea?"

"I can hear your condescension, you know," Rin said easily. Once more he didn't sound annoyed as he would have become only last year had they been having a similar almost-argument. Or at least an almost-argument on Haru's part. Haru doubted Rin saw it that way. "Look, you say you don't have a dream. You don't have a future. Well, that's bullshit."

"Thanks for summing up my loose ends so accurately," Haru said with a roll of his eyes.

Rin ignored him. "You're just not seeing what's right in front of you. You say you don't want to swim for the crowds, for the numbers and the records?" He paused expectantly as though awaiting a reply. Haru didn't give him one so after a moment continued. "So don't. Swim as you always have."

Haru stared up at him blankly for a moment. He didn't want to talk about this right now. He didn't want to talk about it ever. Annoyance was thickly welling within him, yet on the borders of that the tingling numbness that would threaten to sweep it aside and replace it with something worse. Haru didn't want that to happen. He sorely wanted to avoid that at all costs, even if it meant being angry instead. He'd taken his meds that morning, the meds that Rin had very pointedly packed for him, because he'd felt guilty for not doing so. Because Rin so obviously wanted him to, and in that moment that had been a good enough reason. But they wouldn't kick in so fast. They never did straight away.

Haru didn't want to risk an argument that would result in the rising wave of numbness crashing over him. He pressed his lips together and struggled to suppress it. Maybe he should just swim. "What are you talking about?"

Rin shrugged easily, dropping his arms onto his legs to lean further forwards. "You love water. You love swimming. So make something of what you love. You don't have to fight so hard to find a dream exactly. Just do what you love. That's what a dream is anyway, isn't it?"

Haru could feel himself frowning slightly as Rin spoke. He made it sound so easy, which it wouldn't be. Nothing was ever that easy. He told Rin as much.

Rin rolled his own eyes this time. "Now you're just making life hard for yourself. Anyone would think you want to be miserable." He paused after his words and winced slightly, likely hearing them for how insensitive they were considering Haru's circumstances. That in itself was strange, given that Rin didn't usually care if he offended anyone. Not ever. He shook his head abruptly. "Sorry."

"I don't care," Haru replied in a mutter.

"What I mean is, stop trying so hard. Just let it happen. You want to swim? So swim. However and wherever you can. And," Rin adopted a smile that was less of a grin this time and more of something else. "Do it with me."

"With you or for you?" Haru found himself asking before he'd even realised what he was going to say.

Rin gave a huff of amusement that was perhaps just a little sheepish. "Maybe both?"

"Selfish," Haru muttered, though surprisingly he felt his annoyance waver slightly, the fringes of the listless numbness retreat just fractionally. Rin's bluntness might be infuriating at times, but at least he spoke how it was.

"Very much," Rin agreed readily. "It's entirely selfish, of course, because I want to swim with you. It wouldn't be the same if you weren't there."

"So selfish," Haru repeated.

"Is that a problem? If you get to do what you want to do?"

Haru regarded him silently. Rin's face was open, expectant and almost eager. He was offering a hand of support, and though Haru wasn't entirely sure where he would lead him, it was suddenly very tempting to take it. He shrugged just slightly.

Rin rolled his eyes. "That sort of ambivalence is going to make people just do what they want, you know."

"I don't care."

"Then good," Rin said, as though Haru had answered some sort of unspoken question. Maybe he had and hadn't realised it for in an instant Rin was reaching forwards, stretching a hand into the water and before Haru could even think to draw away from him was grasping his arm. The same arm he'd held for most of the night before. It seemed almost instinctive the way his fingers tightened, his grip fastened as though it wouldn't let go.

Rin flashed him a smile as Haru lifted his gaze from his captured arm. "Then all you've got to do is hang on and I'll drag you the rest of the way there." Those words, a repeat of those he'd said on the beach the day before, rung with confidence. As if making good his claim, Rin straightened and with a tug dragged Haru with him.

Rin was different to Makoto in that regard. Makoto would always offer a smile of support, always lend a hand to help should it appear needed. Not Rin, though. Rin saw a struggle and he didn't wait to be asked. He latched on like a leech and didn't let go until he saw the situation rectified.

Just like the day before, Haru found himself being drawn in Rin's wake as he skirted the pool at a quick step, grin flashing over his shoulder, and dragged him back towards the diving boards. It was so typical of Rin to mask sincerity in selfishness and crassness, yet to somehow impress his particular brand of help on the situation. When Haru thought about it, that sort of help tended to be the best kind. For him, at least.

Quite without his intention, Haru found himself smiling again even before they dove back into the water. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to be directed just a little in this case. Rin's words, ringing resoundingly in his head, were somehow more reassuring than he'd ever thought possible. Fierce and demanding yet somehow supportive.

 _Just hang on._

* * *

The midday sun was just cresting by the time they left Sydney Olympic Park. Since then, Rin and Haru had wandered through the city, train hoping as much as they used their own feet. As the sun began to set, it was to a poignant view of Sydney Harbour, the pink sky painting the water in pastels and darkening the Harbour Bridge into blacks rather than greys.

Rin leant against the railing, back towards the view and staring instead up at the skyscrapers that sat at a distance back from the boardwalk. The clutter of pedestrians had thinned when peak-hour had died but there were still an admirable proportion of city-goers for a weeknight. Rin watched them pass with a detached eye. Detached, because his attention really lay on Haru.

At his side, leaning his elbows upon the railing, Haru stared across the harbour with his own distant gaze. Strands of his hair curled just slightly with residual dampness from the swim, the last already dried from his skin and shirt, but still… Rin couldn't help staring.

Something had changed. He wasn't sure what it was, but that much was apparent. Something within Haru had changed when they'd been at the aquatic centre, and Rin wasn't sure if he should take the credit for inducing it. He'd like to think he had. He'd like to think it was he who had put the touch of a smile upon Haru's lips, who had eased his expression just enough to be noticeable and into something distinctly softer. There wasn't the listlessness that Rin so hated to see, but there wasn't frustration or anger or even withdrawal as he might have expected after what he'd said at the pool.

Rin was relieved for that. He was sorely relieved. He'd spoken on a whim, letting his tongue do the work before his brain caught up and only really contemplating that it could have ended in disaster as he was dragging Haru back around the pool for another race.

But it hadn't. If anything, something had clicked. When Rin raced him, it was almost as though Haru were back to normal, except that it was more than that. There was something _more_. Some drive that Rin hadn't seen before, and it caught his attention and wouldn't release it from the moment he'd noticed it.

Rin had been staring at Haru from the corner of his eye for what must have been hours now. Even when he wasn't actively doing so, as they passed through the town, stopped for lunch, partaking in customary sightseeing, he found himself watching. Now, before the glow of the sunset, Rin couldn't help but stare.

He'd never been captivated by anyone before. He'd never really even considered anyone attractive but in the basest, most clinical sense. But in that moment, when he saw the flush of pink sunset warming Haru's face, saw the faint, upwards curl of his lips, the almost calming, relieved closing of his eyes before he blinked them open to stare across the harbour once more, Rin thought he might understand that captivation. It only hit him once more, almost as powerfully though not as brutally as it had days before, how much he liked him. _Really_ liked him.

They hadn't spoken much. That in itself wasn't atypical of their relationship; Haru had always been quiet, and far quieter than Rin. Rin was more often than not the voice of their conversations, speaking his opinions or observations to Haru's short, murmured replies. But staring as he was, distracted as he was, Rin found he didn't have all that much to say anyway.

Except that he wanted to say something. Something in particular that had been niggling at him for some time. With all this talk of dreams and futures, he couldn't help but call to mind one of the primary reasons he'd decided to come to Australia in the first place.

Rin found himself suddenly less sure in that reason, however. It was his dream, what he'd chased for years, but now… now he wasn't entirely sure how much he wanted to pursue it. Coming to Australia, moving away from Japan once more – how could he do that? Not only because he was worried for Haru, which Rin considered he likely would be for some time, even if he did end up telling Makoto, but because he didn't want to. He didn't want to leave.

Was it possible to have two dreams at once? What did people do when they conflicted so frustratingly?

Swallowing down his irritation, Rin cleared his throat. "The coach who trained me while I was studying in Australia wrote to me recently. He asked if I'd consider swimming here again."

Haru glanced at him sidelong, not speaking but affording Rin his attention nonetheless. Rin swallowed once more, pressing his lips together in a brief flush of frustration that he tamped down before continuing. "Before we head back to Japan, I'm going to see him and ask if I can join his team. Even though I took one heck of a detour getting here, I've decided to..." Decided? Had he really? Rin did want to come back to Australia, he really did, and he wanted to swim with his old coach again, but…

Forcing aside the melancholic thought, Rin drew a smile onto his face. Perhaps it was a little wider than it should have been, but he hoped Haru didn't notice. "I'll get there. Just you watch," he said with more enthusiasm, more decisiveness, than he felt.

His gaze was drawn towards the harbour, towards a passing clutch of seagulls that swirled overhead in a discordant ring. It was only when Haru's silence stretched that he deliberately drew his gaze back towards him. It was to find Haru watching him curiously, the faint play of his smile still upon his lips. There was something in that smile, some contentedness yet decisiveness that Rin didn't think he'd ever seen before. He couldn't look away.

"Rin," Haru said quietly, almost so quietly that he could have been talking to himself. "I think… I've found it too."

Rin almost gasped at those words, at the meaning embedded within them. A sheer upwelling of triumph rose within him, triumph that _Rin_ had somehow been the one to induce that in his friend. But more than that was relief. Haru might not be better, might not ever get better, and they would have to do something about that. Together, they would have to work something out. And yet, in that one simple phrase, Rin saw change. He saw the potential for change, for a future he'd longed for and desperately struggled to drag Haru towards alongside him.

Rin only realised in that moment, when Haru confirmed his accompaniment, how very much he needed him when he took his own steps. Sousuke had told him, had said on a whim that he wondered how much Haru's participation counted for. That he wondered if Rin would be half as motivated if Haru wasn't swimming with him as both a companion and a rival. Rin supposed that now at least he had his answer for that.

Surprisingly, it was Haru who broke their momentary silence, the stillness of staring and quiet, unspoken exchange. "So you're coming back to Australia?"

He didn't sound upset. He didn't sound anything but curious and a little questioning. Rin wasn't sure if he was relieved or saddened by that fact. Did he want Haru to miss him when he was gone? He'd never even asked if 'missing' was something Haru had associated with him in his time in Australia. Did he want to be missed? Did he want Haru to regret he was going and leaving him again?

Yes, Rin realised. Yes, he really did. He wanted Haru to miss him as much as he abruptly realised he would miss Haru in return.

Rin dropped his gaze down to his feet, leaning further backwards onto the railing. "I guess," he said.

There was a pause in which Haru waited expectantly before speaking. "You don't sound particularly enthusiastic."

Huffing in a feeble laugh of amusement he didn't feel, Rin closed his eyes briefly and offered a smile that was a struggle to produce. He wondered if Haru noticed that too. "I'm not unenthusiastic, just…"

"Just what?"

Opening his eyes, Rin glanced towards him. Haru was watching him was that open curiosity, more inquisitiveness than he had been for perhaps anything in Rin's memory. What was that all about? It couldn't have been the medication, surely, for even had he taken it that morning Rin new it didn't take effect that quickly. Was it whatever epiphany he'd undergone? He somehow seemed far more attentive, far more driven, than he had in… ever?

"Where's this curiosity coming from?" Rin asked instead of answering him.

Haru blinked guilelessly for a moment before shrugging. "You just seem kind of disinclined."

"Disinclined."

"Mm." Haru nodded. "I would have thought you'd be happy about coming back."

"I am."

"But?"

"Why does there have to be a 'but'?"

"Because there obviously is."

Rin couldn't help but shoot Haru a frown. Haru wasn't particularly perceptive most of the time, so where was this coming from? It was as disconcerting as his modest enthusiasm was relieving. "It's nothing."

"It's not nothing."

"Why do you care?"

Haru shrugged. He leant forwards slightly on the railing, fingers curling around the metal. "Because I care about you, I guess."

Rin found himself staring once more. He realised detachedly that any attempt at a smile had faded from his lips but he didn't care. He felt his eyes widen, his eyebrows rise incredulously. Haru had never said anything so… so blunt before. Nothing so sincerely open, which was saying something because he often didn't withhold his bluntness. Rin registered at the back of his mind that it was a mirror of his own words, of his own admission but yesterday, but the thought hardly spared consideration.

 _Because I care about you._

"Will you tell me what's wrong?" Haru asked, glancing at him sidelong even as he turned back towards the harbour.

Rin shook his head. "Nothing's _wrong_ , exactly."

"But?"

Rin huffed once more. That damned 'but'. He didn't think there was going to be any way of getting around this. Haru was stubborn in more ways than one. He didn't get aggressively demanding, not as Rin knew he sometimes found himself, but he had his own manner of persistence.

 _Maybe I should just tell him_ , a quiet voice murmured in the back of his head. The thought was terrifying but Rin couldn't help but agree with the sentiment. Maybe he should. Maybe he should just…

"I just think I might not be as keen to leave Japan as I was before." _As I was quite literally a week ago,_ he thought to himself.

"Why?" Haru asked. It wasn't a push. There was no demand in his words, and yet whether it was because of his feelings or some other unfathomable reason, Rin found he couldn't help but feel compelled to reply.

"Because things have changed," he said quietly. He couldn't look at Haru anymore, staring hard at his toes. To look at him would have been too embarrassing. "Because – because I don't really want to leave."

"You don't want to leave –"

"You," Rin finished with a sharp exhalation. God, but it was embarrassing, but he continued anyway. "I don't want to leave you. Because I like you."

Haru fell silent for a moment. For a long moment, in which Rin found he still couldn't look at him. He didn't know what he was going to see, didn't know if he expected confusion or surprise or perhaps – horribly – disgust. Would it seem wrong to Haru that he admitted he felt such a way? Would it change their friendship that -?

"I like you too. So what?"

Frowning, Rin glanced up at him. "What?"

Haru shrugged, his expression as unsurprised and unremarkable as ever. "Why does that make a difference?"

Rin struggled to find words. He didn't understand what Haru was saying, couldn't understand what he meant until his mind tidied the muddled mess his thoughts made of his comment. "No, I mean that I actually like you."

"Yes," Haru said with a nod. "And I like you. Why does that make a difference?"

Frown deepening, a flicker of frustration surfacing – because Haru clearly didn't understand what he was trying to convey – Rin turned more fully towards him and straightened, arms folding across his chest. "I mean that I like you as not just a friend."

"Okay."

"I mean as more than that."

"Okay?"

Rin sighed, even more frustrated. Was Haru being deliberately obtuse? Was he teasing him? That was a low blow if he was, though Rin didn't see Haru as the sort of person to do that. "I don't think you're quite understanding what I'm –"

He was silenced in a second. In a second because a second was all it took for Haru to step towards him, to raise a hand to the back of his head as though it was entirely natural to do so, and to lean towards him. A second in which Rin barely had a chance to draw a surprised breath before Haru leant into him and pressed his lips against his own.

It was only a brief touch. A brief press of warm softness against Rin's lips, the gentle nudge of a kiss that was entirely unexpected and so short that Rin didn't even have the chance to return the gesture before Haru was drawing away. He took half a step back, though his hand remained on the back of Rin's head for a moment longer. It remained as Rin could only stare back at him, eyes wide in surprise and blinking in confusion before it slowly slipped back to his side.

"I'm not stupid, you know," Haru chided, though without a touch of indignation that would suggest him affronted by the reality of his assumption. His expression still held that vague curiosity, that touch of openness that he'd worn all morning. "You've liked me for a while, haven't you?"

Had he? Rin could only continue to stare, stupefied in surprise as what had happened, what Haru had just admitted and exposed, slowly made sense to him. Had he liked Haru for a while? Probably. He probably had and hadn't even realised it. The reality of how deeply he did had only hit Rin recently, but it wasn't altogether unfamiliar. Perhaps he had known it in the back of his mind before then, an understanding just waiting to be realised.

And Haru had noticed. Haru, the unperceptive one, the person who had all the observation skills of a blind fish, had noticed. Was it that obvious? Rin didn't know. But more importantly than that, to the forefront of his mind, Rin realised…

Haru had just kissed him. He'd said he liked him back. He'd quiet literally declared as much in the middle of a public boardwalk in more than just words for anyone to see. He wasn't disgusted or deterred, nor even surprised. Apparently he'd just been waiting for Rin to say something.

 _Why didn't_ he _say something then?_ Rin grumbed to himself, but even that thought was negligible. Little else could pervade his thoughts when he was staring at Haru's expectant gaze. Haru had just kissed him. He'd kissed him and said he liked him and – and –

"You like me?" Rin asked

"Yeah."

"Why didn't you say something?"

"Why didn't you?"

"Because –" Rin cut himself off. The list of reasons he hadn't was too long, yet in the face of reality and what could have been realised by the both of them – or by Rin at least, as Haru had apparently somehow already known both of their feelings all along – it seemed ludicrous that he hadn't spoken out.

Rin couldn't find his tongue, yet for once Haru appeared to take pity on him and lift the baton of speech. "Why would it matter to your plans if you liked me or not?"

Rin's mouth opened and closed several times before he could draw utterance. In the deepening glow of the sunset, the unfamiliar setting of the middle of Sydney and the situation itself, everything seemed just a little surreal to him. He couldn't even discern if he was ecstatic or simply flabbergasted by the realisation. "I… because…"

"Just because you're going overseas again doesn't mean that would change, does it?"

Rin stared at Haru, at the curiosity and vague confusion in his expression as though he were truly wondering what the problem was. As though he couldn't see it at all. And maybe he couldn't. Maybe he didn't think there was all that much that would change if Rin moved away. Would Rin really be able to pursue his feelings, to embrace both of his dreams, if he followed the path of one? The possibility seemed too good to be true.

"I don't know," he said hesitantly. "Would it?"

Haru shrugged. "Not for me. I'd still like you if you were living in Japan or moved Australia. Just because we wouldn't see one another as often doesn't mean that would change."

It couldn't be that simple. Surely it couldn't be so ideal. And yet in that moment, Rin felt as though he'd been given a gift all over again. At Haru's words, at the reiteration of his feelings spoken so offhandedly as though they were common fact rather than something tentatively explored, he felt a sudden upwelling of… something flood through him.

Rin didn't know. He didn't know if he could do it, if he could leave, and certainly not right away. Not after everything that had just happened and when the realisation of his feelings was so new. And yet the possibilities that suddenly spread before him filled him with unexpected excitement. A hesitant exposure of a possible future he hadn't contemplated yet seemed infinitely brighter spread before him.

"You really think that, don't you?" Rin said, a little stunned. He shook his head as Haru only shrugged. It was a gesture as good as a nod of agreement from him.

"You always seem to want to complicate things, Rin," Haru said.

"I'm the one who complicates things?" Rin raised an eyebrow. "After the fuss you've kicked up these past weeks?"

Haru regarded him mutely for a moment before replying. "The way I see it, it's simple. I just want to swim. You're the one who adds so many complicated layers."

"Complicated –" Rin began, but cut himself off. He wouldn't argue this. Not now. Not after what Haru had just said, after what he'd just done. Rin still couldn't quite believe it, and yet the increasing lightness in his chest bespoke an unconscious understand that was rapidly filling him with joy.

Shaking his head, Rin took a step towards Haru, closer, until there was barely a handbreadth between them. He didn't even care at that moment how it would look, what anyone would think. It didn't matter, and least of all because they were in Australia and away from the rest of the world. "Whatever," he murmured. "How about you just shut up?"

"You're the one who started it," Haru replied, staring at him openly and easily, as though Rin weren't close enough to feel the touch of his breath against his cheek when he spoke.

"Seriously, could you just shut up?" Rin said again, though he couldn't help the beginnings of a smile from touching his lips. That joy rising within him was impossible to ignore. "You kind of ruin the moment with how blasé you are about everything. You just told me you liked me the same way I like you and then decide to talk about something else? Back on track, please."

"I'm ruining the moment?"

"Shut up, Haru," Rin said once more, then didn't give him a chance to reply. He raised his own hand to the back of Haru's head as he drew towards him and, when Haru didn't protest, leant in for a kiss.

It was soft, gentle and hesitant and unlike any other kind of interaction that the two of them had ever shared. Theirs was always volatile, excitable, competitive, even, though mostly Rin would admit because of his actions. This was different. This was… this was in many ways just as good. Possibly even better.

Rin closed his eyes to the feeling of what barely days before he hadn't even contemplated. He lost himself in the moment, in the feel of Haru's lips on his own, the softness of hair curled around his fingers, the feel of Haru's hand as it settled against his waist as though it was entirely natural for it to be there.

Maybe it was. Definitely it was. Rin didn't think anything could possibly feel more right.

There was time for everything else. Time to think about Australia, to worry about the future. To consider what Rin would do about what had happened at the pool but days before, because something would definitely have to be done. But not right then. Not in that moment.

Right then, the rest of the world ceased to exist entirely.


	5. Chapter 5 - Don't Ever Let Go

**Chapter 5: Don't Ever Let Go**

 _Hang on,_

 _When the water is rising,_

 _When the waves are crashing,_

 _Hang on._

* * *

The fierce resistance of water caved before the slicing cut of his hand, the gurgle of bubbles an echoing hum in his ears and he ploughed through the water. He stroked his arms hard, fast, powering through the waves of his passage that swirled around him and made little impact in their sorry attempt to waylay his speed.

Nothing would slow him. Not now.

Heartbeat thudding in his ears, Haru gasped the barest of breaths before taking one stroke, two, then launching himself into a flip at the wall. He rolled, curled tightly, and the balls of his feet barely had a moment to press firmly against tiles before he was pushing away from them once more.

It was the thrill of it that he lived for. The thrill of the swim, of the violent stroking, the flying speed and the chase. After years, Haru still wouldn't prioritise the numbers. He still didn't long for the bellows of the crowds, the triumph of victory. Such was negligible when compared to the greater thrill of swimming as fast as he could, of pushing himself to his limits, of shedding whatever residue of distant numbness existed within him and outpacing those waves that rose and sucked at him in a gasping demand for attention.

Haru hadn't fallen prey to the constricting numbness in a long time. He didn't need it and he didn't miss it. Not one bit.

The end of the pool was upon him almost before he realised it. At the speed he was going, one glance for breath could be followed a second later by the sudden end of the race. Haru didn't slow at the sight of it; if anything his arms swept faster, feet kicked harder, and in a powerful burst he launched himself to the end. His hand slapped tiles in a clapping splash.

Cheers echoed through the cavernous room, applause following and resounding off the walls, off the tumultuous, roiling waves that followed in Haru's wake. Not loudly, however. Not the roaring of a real crowd, the deafening cries that pervaded even waterlogged ears. Dropping his feet to the ground, Haru reached a hand to his goggles and tugged goggles and cap from his head before glancing in the direction of the poolside.

His friends clapped ecstatically, Makoto beaming wide enough to crinkle his eyes, Rei with sincere admiration as he had always held, Kou in a dance of claps and flails alongside her friend Hanamura who more often than not accompanied her to their get togethers these days. At Makoto's side, Sousuke was nodding his head as he too clapped, as though he was personally approving of the race. Even Amakata-sensei, an honorary member of their group from years gone by, was clapping with real enthusiasm from her seat beside Sasabe.

Really, one would think that they didn't see just such a race every time they all returned to their old haunt. That they hadn't just witnessed numerous such races already that afternoon.

"Reckon I beat you that time."

Haru glanced towards Rin over his shoulder, to where he was similarly tugging his cap and goggles from his head. His shoulders were heaving slightly as he panted yet his fierce grin vanquished any signs of weariness from the exertion. Rin was always like that; he wasn't exhausted by racing, regardless of how long he swum for. His own thrill only seemed to excite him further. Just as it did for himself, Haru supposed, though perhaps for slightly different reasons.

"We'll never know," Haru said with a shrug.

"I would wager Sasabe was watching close enough to tell," Rin said.

"So what, you're going to ask him?"

Snorting, Rin shook his head. Turning to the wall, he tossed cap and goggle onto the tiles before hauling himself up to sit on the edge with a sigh as his breathing slowly returned to normal. "We said we wouldn't get it checked for these races. I'm not going back on my word."

Haru allowed himself a small smile at that. They'd made that pact years ago, when they'd both first moved out of town to tread into the wider world yet sworn to their old friends that they'd return frequently. Haru wasn't sure who had suggested it first, but that their first call of duty would be to race – 'for old times sake', or so everyone always said – had become something of a tradition. Haru and Rin had continued just that tradition for years, would always race by way of a greeting. Sasabe's pool was their meeting place, and almost before they spoke a word they would throw themselves into a race.

Haru had arrived at the centre late that afternoon yet apparently only minutes after Rin. The last of the lessons for the day were finishing up, students taking their leave alongside congratulatory parents, and the pool was left open solely to them and their friends. So they'd raced. Haru and Rin had thrown themselves into the competition that would never grow tiresome, that would never be _tiring,_ and Haru had lost himself to the water, to the stretch of muscles as he swept through it. To Rin at his side as he pushed him further and faster. Rin would always be the one to urge Haru towards _more_.

The windows consuming one wall of the leisure centre showed it to have darkened to nearly night outside, but none of their friends protested. No one seemed anything but enthusiastic when Haru and Rin raced, and always encouraged them for 'just one more'. Haru had lost count of how many they'd already turned that afternoon, neck and neck, barely an inch between them. He and Rin, they'd always been that way. It had always been a constant battle of wills as much as skill that they pitted against one another. Even at nationals, at an international level, when Haru raced it was always against Rin. At least in his mind that was.

"Nagisa's going to be upset he missed your races," Rei called from across the pool, momentarily drawing Haru's attention.

"Well, maybe he should have made sure he got here on time, then?" Rin said easily. There wasn't even the barely hint of reprimand in his words.

"He'll probably just demand you have another one tomorrow," Kou said, grinning as she resumed her seat between Amakata-sensei and Hanamura.

"I'm not complaining," Rin said with a shrug as he climbed to his feet. Haru watched him stretch in satisfaction, couldn't help but draw his gaze to the bunching of muscles along his torso, the tightening in his arms as he raised them overhead and sighed with satisfaction. It was impossible not to look sometimes, and after so long… it felt like it had been a long, long time since he'd last seen Rin. Haru wasn't complaining that their first correspondence was in a series of almost aggressive races, wasn't begrudging their friends' presence, but even so. It would be nice to be alone with him.

"Maybe we should just tell him to meet us at the restaurant?" Makoto suggested, glancing towards Rei as the usual correspondent between Nagisa and the rest of the world. That was the way of it in recent months apparently, though Haru hadn't been around enough to determine the validity of Kou's insistent explanation for the subject. No matter how hard Nagisa was to get in contact with, Rei always had a way. The pair of them had always been like that, had been practically co-dependent for years.

"Yeah, probably a good idea," Rei agreed, already pulling his phone from his pocket.

"I think they'll leave without us if we don't hurry up," Rin said, finally dropping his arms to his side as he turned his attention back towards Haru. Not that he was any less distracting than from the easier pose. Haru had never quite been enchanted by anyone to the point of being unable to stop staring before he'd met Rin, but that enchantment only seemed to mount over the years rather than desensitise. "Are you intending to ever get out of the pool?"

Haru drew towards the edge, propping an elbow on the tiles. "Not really," he said, and was only half joking.

Rin grinned as though he heard both the sincerity and the jest. Stepping forwards, he bent to wrap his hand in a familiar grasp around Haru's wrist. "You're throwing me to the wolves by sending me out with them all by myself."

"You say that like they're a bad thing," Haru replied, but allowed himself to be tugged bodily from the water with little effort on his own part. Whether it was simply habit that had made it so easy for Rin or something else, he'd always been readily able to pull Haru after him. Almost too easily. Haru ignored the fact that most of the time he found he quite wanted to follow. Whenever everything got too overwhelming, whenever Haru started to question, which was little enough these days anyway, it was always Rin's hold that would ground him once more.

Rin didn't release him as he glanced back towards where their friends chatting idly. "We'll just be in the showers, okay?" He called, and received nods and raised hands in reply. A moment later and he was turning once more and starting towards the showers. Haru wouldn't have been able to help following even had he a desire to for the grasp Rin still locked around his wrist.

They were barely around the corner, barely out of sight of their friends, before Rin paused in step and turned back towards him. Haru didn't have a chance to take a step back before Rin was upon him, was finally releasing his to wrap around Haru waist and pull him towards him. Haru responded instinctively, naturally, and wrapped an arm around Rin in return. He didn't much care if anyone saw, but it was certainly easier to lose himself in Rin's lips, in the feel of him, than to explain what was really between them to curious eyes. Haru unconsciously urged Rin towards the wall, pressing against him. Too long. It had been far too long. Haru had always known he would miss Rin when he was gone, just as he always truly had since that first time when they were kids, but that knowledge was made only more profound by _feeling_ it.

There was few enough things that could compare to the release of sinking into water, the escape of diving into that echoing hollowness that bereft the flow of air into the lungs yet cocooned in a loving embrace. And yet for Haru, Rin would certainly be one of those things. The feeling of Rin's hands upon him, curling around him and drawing him flush against him to fit perfectly as though it was entirely natural. The feel of the Rin's lips against his, the softness juxtaposing against the sharp bite of teeth in a hungry, almost desperate longing, the taste of a tongue slipping into his mouth that was thoroughly intoxicating. The hardness of a cool, damp chest against Haru's own, of tensing muscles as Rin's arms shifted and rose to wrap around him in a hold that forbade him from stepping away.

Not that Haru would. He was fairly certain that should he even attempt to, should he even think about pulling away from him, Rin would hang onto him with a vengeance.

It was a good thing that he really, really didn't want to.

They paused but for a moment, the gasping of breath a mimic of their breathlessness after the race. Haru didn't bother to open his eyes, resting his head against the side of Rin's as they paused but briefly.

"I missed you," Rin murmured into his ear without a hint of his usual teasing tone. It had taken a long time for him to be able to speak with such sincerity, without any blushing embarrassment, yet these days when they were alone he seemed only too eager to demonstrate his skill in doing so.

Haru didn't reply. He knew he didn't really need to. Instead, he simply tightened his hold around Rin, allowing them to sink further against one another, to fit into place in a fast hold, a tight embrace that Haru didn't consider sharing with anyone else even for a moment.

There were a few things in particular in the world that Haru lived for. He lived to swim, for the addictive embrace of the water as it both fought against him and wrapped him in welcoming, fluid folds. He lived for his friends, for the sporadic reunions with Makoto when he could take the time off work, with Rei and Nagisa and Kou and even Sousuke, who had grown less and less antagonistic over the years. And he lived for Rin.

 _I missed you too,_ Haru thought but didn't say. He was sure Rin heard him anyway.

* * *

The rain from the shower was warm, almost scalding hot, but Rin hardly noticed. It was negligible in the greater scheme of things, barely worthy of consideration. Not when there was something of far greater importance on his hands.

Haru's fingers tugged at him, one upon the elastic waistband of his swimmers and the other as it wrapped around the back of his head. Both drew Rin closer in a way that he was only happy to oblige, leaning into Haru in turn and pressing both hands on the wall on either side of his head. He let himself be directed, let Haru drag his head closer and press their lips together in a hot, messy and slightly frantic kiss.

How long had it been since last time? Since they'd last seen one another, last raced, last kissed? Rin knew exactly how long – he always knew exactly – but in that moment he couldn't quite recall. It hardly seemed of consequence when Haru was drawing Rin's tongue into his mouth, curling his own around it in a caress that sent shudders down Rin's spine, only to draw away slightly for a gasp before diving in once more. His hair was matted to his forehead, nearly covering his closed eyes and streaming rivers of pool and shower water. Rin barely had the headspace to snatch a glimpse of his face, of his lips reddened by frantic kisses, of his arched neck before he locked his lips to Haru's skin and bit just enough to be felt. The groan elicited was barely audible, but enough to send a torrent of warmth flushing through Rin once more. Haru was always quiet, even in such heated exchanges, so the slightest hint of sound was like music to Rin's ears.

It had been a tearing race. The thrill of the competition. The coursing adrenaline. It all built up in a climax as Rin had slapped his hand to the far wall, but it hadn't entirely faded upon climbing from the pool. Instead, it had only changed as he'd pulled Haru from the poolside and into the showers, wedging the doorstop behind them as an afterthought and blessing Coach Sasade for whatever reason he'd decided to leave one lying about the showers. Maybe Rin didn't want to know.

After that, it had been almost reflexive to fall upon Haru, to lean into him and lose himself in kisses just as Haru pressed himself against him in turn. The shower had been but an afterthought to stave off the chill of winter that pervaded even the change rooms, but Rin barely spared it a second thought. He was more than content to lose himself in dropping a hand down to Haru's waist, fingers grazed slick skin as he pressed himself against him. The heat flooding to his groin was impossible to ignore, and as Haru shifted slightly against him, pressing his own hips back into him, Rin was made only starkly more aware of how much he wanted him. It didn't matter how long it had been; long or short, he wanted Haru desperately right now. He always did.

And Haru, as he had said years ago, wanted him right back.

In a moment of which Rin had dropped his lips back to Haru's neck, Haru's fingers rising from his waist to hook around his shoulder and draw him closer, it was to offhandedly voice a passing thought. "I don't suppose you know when Nagisa was getting here, do you?"

Haru puffed a breath against Rin's ear in a sound that was a mixture of amusement and vague affront. "That you're even thinking about Nagisa right now…"

Rin smirked into his shoulder, pressing himself more firmly against Haru to lock him against the wall in a way that made it impossible to miss it was definitely not Nagisa who was making him feel quite as he was at that moment. He tilted his head back to meet Haru's eyes were they stared at him with a slightly raised eyebrow. The scolding expression was dampened somewhat by the hint of a flush in cheeks. "Can you blame me? After last time?"

"He didn't see anything," Haru said, though his lips twitched in a hint of amusement at the memory. "I asked him afterwards."

"And you're so good at feeling people out, are you?" Rin asked, grazing his teeth upon Haru's lips for another kiss. Only to jump slightly as Haru drew his hand down his buttocks in a clearly indicative gesture.

"I think I'm pretty good at it, yeah," he murmured into Rin's lips. Rin could feel the self-satisfaction that rippled from him in a way that most people wouldn't even recognise. Even after years of intimacy, Rin would still at times find himself surprised at Haru's forwardness. For someone who was usually so reserved, it never ceased to amaze Rin all over again when they got back together after time apart.

"Cocky, much?" Rin said, canting his hips forwards into Haru just enough that a shudder of pleasure drew through him. If Haru's faint huff was any indication, he wasn't alone in feeling quite so turned on.

"Do you think up these innuendo's in the shower of something?" Haru asked, hooking his other arm over Rin's shoulder to draw him even closer until he was practically crushed against the wall.

Rin followed the suggestion obligingly. "It's only one of many things I do in the shower."

Haru smirked, but he didn't reply. Rin was quite content to take the offering of another kiss, wrapping his arms around Haru in turn and losing himself in his lips.

He would have done too, but like the devil summoned by his name, Rin should have known better. A thump at the door to the change rooms resounded, followed by a rapid series of knocks and an, "Oi. Is this locked?"

Rin paused in the act of planting another kiss on Haru's lips, glancing sidelong through the spray showering over them in the direction of the door. Haru similarly stilled, and Rin didn't need to turn towards him to know that he too had glanced towards the door.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," Rin muttered.

"It's like he heard you," Haru replied.

"I was thinking exactly the same thing."

Another series of knocks rung through the change rooms. "Haru-chan? Rin-chan? Oi, can you hear me? It's rude to lock people out, you know."

 _Oh, if only you knew, Nagisa,_ Rin thought, rolling his eyes as he turned and dropped his head onto Haru's shoulder. True, they probably should have chosen more appropriate circumstances for a reunion, but this time had been weeks. Exactly four weeks and three days, Rin recalled as a modicum of clarity settled itself upon him. He didn't like such distance as it was, almost longed for the end of the season when they could both move back home, and he hadn't been able to help himself. Haru had apparently been the same.

"So annoying," Haru murmured into the side of Rin's head. He didn't sound overly annoyed, however, but simply resigned. His hands had dropped to the back of Rin's swimmers and were tugging idly. "He couldn't have waited for another five minutes to show up?"

"Five minutes?" Rin replied, lifting his head to meet Haru's gaze. His blue eyes were still wide and darkened, cheeks still flushed and lips bitten to redness, and Rin had to wonder how anyone wouldn't be able to tell what they'd been doing. "I don't know about you, but I don't think five minutes would have –"

"Haru-chaaan! Riiin-chaaan!" Another knock sounded. "If you guys are having a party, you should invite everyone else along. First night back festivities shouldn't be celebrated in isolation!"

Rin couldn't help but snort and even Haru's lips twitched a smile. Before he could stop himself, Rin glanced in the direction of the door and raised his voice to reply. "I don't think you'd like this kind of party, Nagisa."

"Oh, you are there!" Nagisa replied, missing Rin's words for the validation of his question. "Hello! It's been a while!"

"He missed it," Rin said, turning back to Haru.

Haru nodded. "He missed it. Which is probably a good thing."

"Probably."

"Unless you wanted to tell them?"

Rin scrunched his nose. He would. Eventually. He wasn't sure when, but he would. Now just didn't seem like the time, however. Rin didn't know how to approach that conversation in the slightest. "Maybe not now."

Haru's smile drew slightly wider a little too knowingly. "Maybe."

"Hurry up! You're doing this on purpose, now."

"Believe it or not, Nagisa, our every action isn't in direct response to you," Rin said, though quietly enough that Nagisa wouldn't have been able to hear him. Sighing and shaking his head, biting back a groan of regret, Rin pushed himself off of Haru and straightened. Haru followed his motion, tapping a hand to the automated button to shut off the water flow.

"Get this over with, then?" Rin asked.

"Nagisa would be upset if he heard you sound so begrudging," Haru said.

"I'm not begrudging seeing him. I'm just begrudging seeing him _now_ ," Rin emphasised. "And if you tell me you're otherwise I'll consider myself personally offended."

Haru shook his head but he didn't deny Rin's suggestion. He allowed himself to be drawn after Rin from the shower in the direction of the change room door, Rin's fingers reaching for him to curl in their familiar grasp around his wrist. Rin was sure they must look particularly guilty when they stepped through the door, but he didn't really care. And Nagisa being Nagisa didn't notice. He set about simultaneously greeting them and scolding them for their delay as Rin and Haru proceeded to dry themselves with their towels.

Rin spared a glance towards Haru over Nagisa's head as he bounced on his toes between them. Haru met his gaze beneath the draping length of a towel as he scrubbed his hair. There was the hint of his smile once more, and that itself was good enough for Rin.

Nagisa had incredibly poor timing, but it was good enough for him. For now.

* * *

A/N: Hi everyone! Thank you so much for reading. I hope you liked the story, short as it was (for me at least). If you did, or if you have anything to say, please let me know in a review. I'd absolutely LOVE to hear from you. Thank you to the lovely people who have already reviewed - seriously, **Paint Your Lips Blood Red** your review was absolutely the loveliest thing! Thank you!


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